Thursday, 27 November 2014

Death Undeserved

The radio announcer cries,
"Oh why did it have to be him?
Couldn't someone else have gone,
someone filled with sin?"

So ready to dish out death,
to those you think deserve it more,
as a trade for someone great,
someone you adore.

"Such a shame, he was so young,
and so full of talent too.
Why not take someone in prison?
Why not take them in lieu?"

I say, "Who are you to play god?
Who are you to choose?
Even if you save him,
someone else will always loose."

Please don't read this wrong.
Know that I am saddened too,
by this life lost, and every other,
all tragedy coming true.

I understand you might not mean it,
these awful words you said.
I just want to caution against,
trying to trade someone for the dead.

Life isn't always fair.
We all know this to be true,
but wishing someone else dead instead,
is a disgusting thing to do.

RIP Phillip Hughes

Monday, 24 November 2014

Rip me open

Rip my heart open.
Watch me bleed.
Now you will see,
it's you that I need.

Break me, hurt me.
I'll come back for more.
I'll smile as you press,
my throat to the floor.

Tie me up tighter.
Let rope cut my skin.
Get lost in the dark,
without and within.

Break me a little.
Forget it's a game.
Push me hard,
'till I'm calling your name.

Kiss me softly,
with love now found.
Kiss me harder.
Let's go another round.

My own way.

You tell me to make more friends.
That I can't be happy on my own.
You tell me that more is merrier.
That I shouldn't be alone.

I have a few good friends you know,
but not enough you say.
I'd rather quality over quantity.
I'll make friends my own way.

You tell me to leave the house more
To get out and run around.
But I believe in stillness,
where peace can still be found.

You want to see me at parties,
today and every other day.
But I'd rather a quiet gathering,
I'll celebrate my own way.

You tell me to go to cities,
with lights and people and sound.
You want me to drink and party,
where all other people are found.

I'd rather walk in the forest,
and breathe salt sea spray.
I'll not go where you want me.
I'll travel my own way.

I need more things in my house,
you say I need more lavish luxury.
I like my old fashioned things.
Why wont you just let me be?

You want me ultra modern,
all black and steel grey.
I want soft country colours.
I'll decorate in my own way.

You tell me to change jobs.
You hate my long commute.
But I don't really mind it.
I get to relax en route.

You say I could do better,
that I deserve more pay.
But I don't need more money.
I'll work my own way.

You want me to be happy.
On this we can agree.
But the life that made you happy,
will not work the same for me.

I might regret this in the future,
and wish I'd let you lead me astray.
But for now I ask you simply,
to let me live my life my own way.

When You Smile

There's this girl I know. She melts my heart to stone.
I saw her first in the winter, striding quickly down the street. Tear drops frozen on her cheeks and hands stuffed deep into pockets. The way she curled in on herself made her seem very small, kind of insubstantial, her body diminished by her far-away mind.
I paused to ask if she was okay. I want you to know that I tried to help her, but she brushed past me as though I didn't even exist. Maybe I was invisible in empty the snowstorm of her eyes.
The dark swallowed her up as she got further and further from me.
The rest of the night I walked the streets, wondering what could possibly have been on her mind.

I saw her again in the springtime. Laughter drew me to her. Loud, boisterous laughter that made me feel stupid for not laughing too. Everything was funny to her in the springtime. Someone asked her why. I was grateful for their curiosity. I needed to know too.
She replied, "Life is better when you laugh at everything."
Everyone agreed. Life was better watching her laugh at everything. She was magnetic. It was more than just charisma. When she smiled she was compelling. Demanding. Consuming. It was like the sun shone for her and the world spun around her. I have no words to describe her that would really do her justice. I guess you had to be there. Let me just say that I loved her when she smiled.
When our eyes met that day I could tell that she still didn't really see me. I was just one of many in a sea of admirers. But I could see her. I saw her quick and sexy and with the world around her fingers. Sarcastic and powerful and beautiful. I knew she could see what she did to people. I knew she liked it like that. She liked being everything to everyone.
She was like a glowing light trapped inside a perfect body. Like a powerful and terrible goddess, blindingly beautiful, irresistibly sexy, and merciless as the ocean.  A woman filled to exploding with life and secrets.
To be near her was to know how much better life could be. Her buoyant happiness was contagious.
Like moths to a flame we fluttered helplessly in her glow.

When I saw her again it was winter, though no more than a few days had actually passed. She was sitting alone on a park bench, quiet and contemplating. I could see her eyes begin to darken and the storm in her eyes begin to rage as depression took hold of her heart. With her once again diminished and blind to the world I could study her freely. She was nothing special really. That irresistible pull had vanished with the sun. Her body was average, her face plain, her hair kind of frizzy and poorly styled, her wrists scarred. Her clothes were lose and obviously intended to hide the slight bulge of her stomach. Her arms were crossed in defence of her heart.
In just a few days she had shrunk down to nothing but a sad, plain little girl.

I walked away. Not away from her, but away from this little circle of winter. I walked to the bench and sat down by her side. She met my eyes then, finally aware of my presence. I have no idea what she saw in me, but a wicked gleam flashed in her eyes and the air began to crackle as she turned it on. Lips half smiling and eyebrows raised, she dared me to say something, do something. Speechless I watched as light flared inside her. She smiled, and sex poured from her skin as the rain hammered down on us from a summer storm that began to rage in the sky above.

Friday, 14 November 2014

For the Love of Music.

I recently got to talking with one of my friends about the kinds of music that we each like.
I don't know about you, but for me this is a crucial and exciting time. You get to find out what music you have in common, as well as possibly enter into new realms of music you might never have discovered on your own.
We decided to each make a playlist, not of our favourite songs, but of the songs we are obsessed with at the moment. The ones we each keep playing over and over until our ears bleed. :]

I made the playlist. It's super weird and varied, but honestly I am obsessed with every song on there. They are the ones that have me singing and jamming in my car at the red lights.
They are the ones that have my crying.
They are the ones that have me serenading the guy in the car next to me, and the ones that have the people in the car in front of me roaring with laughter at my outrageous seated dance moves. (you might have guessed I listen to music in the car a lot).

Anyway. I figured that I should post it here for you lovely people too.
Some of the song have gotten me through the darkest parts of my life, and they are songs that I will always be obsessed with, others are just flipping awesome.

So if you have some extra time, click here to have a listen....

Tuesday, 11 November 2014

This Shadow Life - Enjoy Something Beautiful

Hi everyone.
Life has been super busy for me at the moment. I am working long hours and writing and thinking about writing and trying to figure out how to use Scrivener, as well as doing all the normal life stuff like sleeping and remembering to feed my dogs.
Not to worry though. That's just the way life is sometimes I guess. It's better to be busy than bored. Bored leaves space for depression.

Anyway. I wanted to do a post about one of my favourite artists. Victoria Frances.
I have been following her work for years and honestly the way her work is both beautiful and kind of dark has always been a great comfort to me.

I guess this is more of a lifestyle piece than what I normally do but oh well. I was thinking about it recently and I decided that not enough people seem to know about Victoria Frances and how awesome her work is.

I have included some of my favourites here, but there are tonnes more on her website. Check them out here.

I really like this first one. Some of my friends say that it looks like me, and I think that's awesome coz this chick is hot. ;]

The pictures have this weird ethereal quality to them that I really like.

And then there are just the ones that are super cute and weird and flipping awesome.

I actually have some of her work around my house. They are really pretty and different and always great for conversation. :]

Thursday, 6 November 2014

Myself and I

Childish glee
stunted growth
turned into a woman
before the right time.

Broken heart
long lost mind
who to become
is hard to find.

Pleasing lovers
teddy bear friend
long nights drinking
days playing pretend.

Professional job
silly faces
high heel shoes
skipping places.

Push up bra
frilly socks
secrets spilled
diary locks.

Lipstick smiles
ribbons in hair
broken in half
by life so unfair.

Conflicting people
forced into one
woman in love
girl on the run.

Soundtrack of my Suicide 2

I stand upon the cliff top,
no one else around.
It's peaceful in this quiet,
of never ending sound.

The waves below on rock break,
like my heart upon the floor.
Though you left me darling
I'll be yours for ever more.

I hear the words playing over,
and over inside my head.
The doctor saying "stillborn"
and knowing I was dead.

You never saw the world love,
or took a single breath.
You dragged me down with you,
I died the instant of your death.

I felt your tiny soul leaving,
It ripped straight through my heart.
You left me with naught but rubble.
You tore all that I am apart.

I remember your father crying,
but no sound did I make.
There was nothing left inside me.
There was nothing left to break.

I know I could have another,
a baby boy or girl someday.
But how could I ever forgive them for living,
when you were taken away?

This empty feeling inside,
the hole where you used to be.
Its spreading slowly outwards.
It's taking over me.

Just one more step to take now,
off the edge of solid earth.
one short flight to freedom,
all I have wanted since your birth.

I can hear the wind crying,
just like you should have done.
Ocean spray mixed with tears,
I cry for you, my only son.

I didn't say goodbye,
to anyone I have known.
I'm not really leaving them,
I'm just finally coming home.

I'm sorry to leave your father,
but maybe he will come too.
We can be a family again,
as long as we are with you.

One foot over nothing,
about to take the fall.
About to come and find you,
in exchange for losing it all.

But really what am I losing?
There is nothing without you.
No one will understand, I know,
but this is what I need to do.

The wind is still howling around me,
the ocean spray still on my face.
I hear this music of screaming silence,
as I step into your embrace.

Sunday, 2 November 2014

Horse Drawing

The other day I got really bored of feeling useless so I picked up a pencil and started to draw. 
Drawing is a great way of letting some creativity and emotion out and feeling good when you have a finished product.
Even just drawing scribbles is better than feeling rubbish. 

I'm pretty proud of this horse that I drew from a photo on my iPhone. :)
I haven't drawn horses in years. 
What do you think? Can you tell that it's a horse? Lol