Sunday, 2 October 2016

Ebb and Flow

Some days I feel like a person. Some days I feel like the last 9 years have meant something. Like I have progressed in some meaningful way. Some days I feel like the years have allowed some kind of healing in my heart.

Then there are the days like today. Today it might as well be 2007. Today I am the same girl who sat in the dark in my room with the door locked and music screaming watching the blood drip from my arm. Today I am not the person I have fought so hard to become. Today I am that broken mess of a girl that I used to be.

I hate that this person, this weakness, is still in me. I hate that I can fight for years to be better, to be happy. And in a second it can all just disappear.
I know it will be better tomorrow. I know tomorrow I will wake up fresh and put all the pieces back together again. But that's small comfort right now. Right now, even though I know that this night can't escape tomorrow, the sun coming up seems so impossibly far away.

And what's worse is that there is no one I can talk to. I don't have much in the way of friends. And the guy I am sleeping with isn't really into me. He just does me 'cause I'm there and willing. Plus, there is no point alarming anyone because I'm not going to do anything and tomorrow I'll make myself be fine again. So I come on here to write a post that no one will read because this is the only way I can get all this stuff safely out of my brain.

Why do I have to live like this? Is everyone else this miserable and they just keep it locked away like I do? Or am I as alone as I feel?

I just can't even

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