Forgotten

I'm conscious of the silence. Acutely aware of the weight in my pocket and how it tugs on my heart. The smallest sound sets off an alarm. A false alarm. A roller coaster of hope and rejection in the space of a single heartbeat. It's not you. It's never you. It's been days since it was you. Days since you didn't kiss me in the dark.
Now there is only the silence of my phone screaming how easily I am fucked and forgotten.

Losing my religion...

I identify as a creative person. I always have. If you ask me, I am someone who draws and writes and paints and sings. I say these things even now, when I have come to a point in my life where these are things I never really make time to do.
Drawing and painting has gone from being a peaceful, joyous, enjoyable activity to something that stresses me out so much that I can't even start something let alone finish. I'm certain that this is a product of my insecurities and need to overachieve in everything. I feel the pressure of performing. I'm too old to draw terribly. I start a drawing and think it's great, but then I can't finish because what if on that last pencil stroke I make a mistake and ruin the whole thing. Insecurity. Imperfection. I fail before I even start.
My blog is testament to how little I write at the moment. I still keep a diary and I write in it most days. It's not creative writing. It's not poetry. But I tell myself that that's better than nothing. I read and tell myself that it's almost as good as writing something myself. I feel so uninspired. My life is so the same. So stable. What is there to write about at this point? I've seen it all before. Uninspired. I don't know how to start.
The only thing I still do is sing in the car...but even that is being replaced by listening to podcasts...A more grownup use of my time. Or something.

I'm losing the will to make time to do things that are a huge part of how I define myself as a person...
Is this depression again? Am I changing as a person? Or do I just need to shake up my life and do something inspiring?

Night

The sun sets,
and our walls tumble down.
Our secrets spill,
like stars on the ground.

Our minds go to sleep,
and our hearts come alive.
You whisper my name,
and I'm lost in your eyes.

We laugh, we cry,
we fall in love.
We may fall down,
but we get up tough.

The taste of liquid silver,
dripping slowly past my tongue.
The pain of love remembered,
the smell of battles lost and won.

Just a shadow on the winds breath,
is every day I'm living now.
My soul runs wild through forever,
every moment that I allow.

There is nothing to hold me fast,
to the moment currently passing.
I live completely in the past,
and in the future everlasting.

Fire shimmers in the meadows,
until spring is lost to slaughter,
but all that was will be again,
I am the full moon's daughter.

Damn it 2017!

So in my previous post I mentioned how 2017 was already off to a rocky start and I expressed my sincere hope that this year would get its act together real soon. 

Well apparently the universe took that as an invitation to make one of my chickens sick. 😔

Damn it 2017! 

My poor little chicken has been unwell for a couple of days. There isn't even anything I can do to help her. I just have to make her comfortable and see if she pulls through. 

I'm very upset because as anyone who follows me on Instagram knows, I'm pretty fond of my little chooks. They have such awesome little personalities. 

Here's hoping she looks a bit happier when I get home this afternoon. 

Things like this make it harder to ignore the weight of all the sadness and loss in this stupid world. 

Welcome to 2017

The last few years have been pretty average. Things haven't gone super well for me or my family, but 2017 was supposed to be different. Things were supposed to get better. I wasn't asking for a perfect year, but no major disasters would have been nice. 

It's only the 8th of January and already my super health conscious uncle has had a stroke and my nans alzheimers has gotten so bad that she needs to be moved into a home. 

2017 had better get its act together real soon or we are going to have some problems. :/

On the plus side I am sticking to my resolution to write more. So hopefully I'll have some new stuff to put on here soon. :)