Night

The sun sets,
and our walls tumble down.
Our secrets spill,
like stars on the ground.

Our minds go to sleep,
and our hearts come alive.
You whisper my name,
and I'm lost in your eyes.

Patch up the cracks

unbreak the stone

even living in ruins

beats being alone.

Danny

A Perfect Moment

Your heart is beating faster,
the music is playing slow,
But then her hand is in your hand,
and that's all you need to know.

Her smile says "I love you"'
and her heart welcomes you home.
With a kiss you make a promise,
to never leave her alone.

You promise health and sickness,
and love till the end of your years.
You promise support and trust,
through both happiness and tears.

Rose petals are falling,
in her hair and on your shoulder.
But the crowd is miles away,
the world is silent when you hold her.

Her lips are tight against yours,
you feel her smiling as you kiss,
Though you can't wait for the future,
you wish you could stay here, just like this.

Destroying myself

Sometimes I can't help but wonder,
what I am doing with my life.
I look back on decisions I have made,
and can't even remember why.

Why I decided I'd stop loving you,
why I decided you needed to go.
Why I broke your heart the way I did,
when you didn't want to let go.

I wonder why I thought I'd be better,
facing the world on my own.
Than living deep in your loving heart,
where you had always made me at home.

I wonder if it was something you did,
or if I just got bored, like I do.
I wonder if it was all in my head,
or if it had something to do with you.

It's been so long I can't remember the reasons,
I had for breaking your heart that day.
The reasons I coldly ignored you,
when you begged me just to stay.

Things that make me happy.

This is a post about good things. Things that make me happy even when I am lost in the darkest parts of my mind. It's something I started working on a long time ago, but I never got around to finishing it until now. And now I need to finish it. I need to finish it because right now I am completely lost in the pitch dark nothingness that makes me who I am.
So, I need to remind myself that it's possible for me to be happy.

A little while back a friend of mine asked me to write a guest post for her blog of all the things that make me happy. Initially I thought this would be the easiest thing in the world. I mean, I know what makes me happy right?
Turns out no. The first list went something like this.

1. Books. New books, old books, second hand books, any books
2. Piercings and tattoos.
3. Tea
4. Music
5. My family and my pets
6. Late night adventures with my friends
7. Stepping on crunchy leaves
8. Rain. Both when I am walking in it and when I'm inside listening to it. 
9. Having pretty coloured nails and awesome eyeliner
10. Sleeping

The more I thought about it though, the more I realised that these things don't really make me all that happy.
The destructive hyper-energy I feel when I'm listening to really great heavy metal and rock music where the people scream so I don't have to isn't actually happiness.

The peace I feel walking on my own at night is actually much closer to despair the more I think about it. 

There are also things that make me smile, or things that I enjoy, but they aren't necessarily things that make me happy. 

After a lot more thought and close examination of my life, I think I came up with a pretty good list. Check it out here :]

Moonlight

The moon is biggest,
when it's close to the ground.
Your love says the most,
when you make not a sound.

Your kisses are liquid,
when they're warm in my hand.
Your goodbye meant the most,
when it really was the end.

The rain is softest,
when it falls on your grave.
My heart beats broken,
with the life I couldn't save.

Your memory lives on,
as the blood in my veins.
We dance in the moonlight,
now your heart's free of pain.

Give Me Love

Though the night has never been darker,
my eyes are filled with stars.
Though the air is frozen around me,
my heart is warm with the fire of Mars.

The god of war fights a raging battle,
of my heart against my mind.
The desire to keep on loving you,
versus the need to leave you behind.

With our promises kept like secrets,
and all my secrets spilled like lies.
I still need your arms around me,
but I'm wrapped up in empty skies.

Pinprick stars are hope still held,
the bright moon is the mistake I can't ignore.
My faith in our future ruined,
by all the times we broke before.

There were the times that I broke you,
and the times we broke each other.
But also the sweet lingers tingle,
of the night you first became my lover.

So how can I let go,
of the soft need within your kiss,
or the way you stole my breath,
when my name fell from your lips?

I still need your love, like I needed you,
right from the very start.
So give me all the love you have,
in every little piece of your broken heart.

Growing Up

The pressure of adoration.
The pressure of your trust.
The pressure to keep on going,
when dreams have died and turned to dust.

I know you say you love me,
but I don't know if that's really true.
I think that some place in your heart,
I'm still just a little girl to you.

I don't blame you for hanging on,
for not wanting to let her go.
But I don't know how to keep living,
in the weight of her perfect shadow.

I feel like a disappointment,
for outgrowing the girl that you knew.
I feel like every step towards finding myself,
is a step taking me further from you.

Dig your fingers, 
into the hollow of my spine.
Make love to my soul,
one kiss at a time.

Hearts beat together, 
as your passion chases mine.
Lost in a moment, 
some never find.

Spinning world,
in the palm of my hand.
Traded in,
for the heart of a man. 

Make Me

Make me break.
Make me bruise.
This isn't love. 
I'm here to be used.

To the Letter

In another life I'll find you
and somehow I'll be better
You'll kiss me and I'll kiss you back
We will be perfect to the letter

Danny

He lends me his strength and it is my strength.
He lends me his power and his grace.
He is the peace that quiets my heart,
and the warmth in the smile on my face.

He is the speed of wind over mountains,
a cresting wave in the wild raging sea.
He is patient as snowflakes falling,
and all this he gives freely to me.

He is fearless and strong and kind.
He is gentle when there is need.
He is huge and intelligent and wild,
and with him I feel myself freed.

With each hour he makes me better.
He shares all the best parts of his soul.
I never knew what I was missing,
until we met and he made me whole.

I know I can never deserve him.
Beside his greatness I'll always be small.
But each day he lifts me higher,
and gives me the strength I need to stand tall.

To many people he is just a horse,
but to me he will always be more.
He is a friend and a constant reminder,
that there are still things worth living for.

What if...

There were infinite different paths,
I could have travelled along the way.
I wonder if in any of them,
I could have managed to make you stay...

I think, what if I were pretty,
and maybe a bit smarter too?
Would you still have left me?
Would I have still loved you?

What if I had kissed you,
that evening in the snow?
Silver starlight all around us,
and me never wanting to let go.

What if I hadn't called you again,
so soon after our date?
If I had sat home and just waited,
could I have avoided this fate?

What if I were like her,
so sexy, tall and smart?
Would I be cuddling in bed with you,
or still here with my broken heart?

Life is a series of choices,
so where did I choose wrong?
I must be at fault somehow,
I've known it all along.

You're so strong and smart and perfect.
Always far too good for me.
I know I have nothing to offer you,
I just wish you didn't agree.

What if I never loved you?
What if you never let go?
What if you never gave up?
What if I were still whole?

Reality Dreaming

My dog is missing. You are missing too. The world is in an uproar trying to find you, but I'm looking for her. Somewhere in my heart I know that I will find you together, but that she is the only one who might come when I call. 

It's dark, but also light. Puddles of white from street lamps, golden squares from open windows, a meteor shower of jumping torch beams. I know she will be in the dark, away from all the chaos. She will be somewhere in the shadows, out of reach of the pounding feet and panicked voices. Somewhere quiet. Somewhere she feels safe. 

You will be with her, but not really with her. 

My bare feet are silent on the dirt. It's soft and fine and caught up in the gaps between my toes. Wandering from shadow to shadow I call out to her. People are looking at me weirdly, probably because the name I'm calling isn't yours. Maybe also because I'm the only one without a torch in my hand. The only one slipping through the dark. They think I'm wasting my time, but I know something they don't. I know how to find you. I could tell them. I could let them help. But if they got to you before me? Somehow I need to be the one to do it. I need to be the one who finds you both.

A house looms out of the shadows ahead. No lights on. No one home. On one side the house is just a few inches above the ground but on the far side the ground drops away creating a kind of cave. It looks warm and dry and peaceful. This is where she will be. I have found her. I have found you. The wind whips my clothes against me. I am cold. 

Creeping up to the edge of the cave I finally see her, and you. Still as a stone she watches the chaos through a crack between the house and the ground. Something is wrong with her. Never have I seen her so calm and alert. She is too together. Too confident. Too something. She is not the girl I know. 

My voice is just a whisper as I choke out her name. She turns and the look in her eyes is so familiar that I completely forget where we are. She loves me. I love her. We are friends. 

She is pleased to see me I think. She has that look that dogs get when they want to show off.

Thick ropes of blood hanging from her trembling lips draw my gaze away from her soft and cheerful eyes. She looks proud to be holding you in her mouth. I don't know what part of you it is. It looks kind of like a knee. I don't suppose it really matters, but it's hard to stop my mind jumping to the facts. It's at least a slight distraction from the cold reality trickling down my spine.
The weight of blood soaked air it so heavy in my lungs. Each breath is like drowning. Drowning in the fact that you are dead. Drowning in you.
The dirt is muddy as I fall to my knees and with a lurch in my stomach I realise why. It's hard to imagine how so much blood could have fit inside one person, though you were always so much larger than life.

Time skips. Maybe this is all just a dream.
I am inconsolable. People look at me and I burst into tears. Eyes wide with horror, hands clutching at my chest, the tears run unchecked down my face. They drip off my chin onto the sun warmed timber floor. You are gone. I am here. An eternity of possibilities have been erased from my existence. You are gone. I'm still here.

With a start I wake to the morning light. It's soft. Soft as the tears tickling my cheeks.
You are getting married. I am all alone. You are dead. I am left alone, my subconscious mourning the loss of a life we will never have.

When You Smile

There's this girl I know. She melts my heart to stone.
I saw her first in the winter, striding quickly down the street. Tear drops frozen on her cheeks and hands stuffed deep into pockets. The way she curled in on herself made her seem very small, kind of insubstantial, her body diminished by her far-away mind.
I paused to ask if she was okay. I want you to know that I tried to help her, but she brushed past me as though I didn't even exist. Maybe I was invisible in empty the snowstorm of her eyes.
The dark swallowed her up as she got further and further from me.
The rest of the night I walked the streets, wondering what could possibly have been on her mind.

I saw her again in the springtime. Laughter drew me to her. Loud, boisterous laughter that made me feel stupid for not laughing too. Everything was funny to her in the springtime. Someone asked her why. I was grateful for their curiosity. I needed to know too.
She replied, "Life is better when you laugh at everything."
Everyone agreed. Life was better watching her laugh at everything. She was magnetic. It was more than just charisma. When she smiled she was compelling. Demanding. Consuming. It was like the sun shone for her and the world spun around her. I have no words to describe her that would really do her justice. I guess you had to be there. Let me just say that I loved her when she smiled.
When our eyes met that day I could tell that she still didn't really see me. I was just one of many in a sea of admirers. But I could see her. I saw her quick and sexy and with the world around her fingers. Sarcastic and powerful and beautiful. I knew she could see what she did to people. I knew she liked it like that. She liked being everything to everyone.
She was like a glowing light trapped inside a perfect body. Like a powerful and terrible goddess, blindingly beautiful, irresistibly sexy, and merciless as the ocean.  A woman filled to exploding with life and secrets.
To be near her was to know how much better life could be. Her buoyant happiness was contagious.
Like moths to a flame we fluttered helplessly in her glow.

When I saw her again it was winter, though no more than a few days had actually passed. She was sitting alone on a park bench, quiet and contemplating. I could see her eyes begin to darken and the storm in her eyes begin to rage as depression took hold of her heart. With her once again diminished and blind to the world I could study her freely. She was nothing special really. That irresistible pull had vanished with the sun. Her body was average, her face plain, her hair kind of frizzy and poorly styled, her wrists scarred. Her clothes were lose and obviously intended to hide the slight bulge of her stomach. Her arms were crossed in defence of her heart.
In just a few days she had shrunk down to nothing but a sad, plain little girl.

I walked away. Not away from her, but away from this little circle of winter. I walked to the bench and sat down by her side. She met my eyes then, finally aware of my presence. I have no idea what she saw in me, but a wicked gleam flashed in her eyes and the air began to crackle as she turned it on. Lips half smiling and eyebrows raised, she dared me to say something, do something. Speechless I watched as light flared inside her. She smiled, and sex poured from her skin as the rain hammered down on us from a summer storm that began to rage in the sky above.

Tall Dark and Handsome

In life, the path we walk is dark and treacherous. We grope our way forward moment by moment, trying not to stumble. Trying not to fall off the edge of the path altogether.
Like veins and capillaries, the path branches off towards a million different lives we could lead. Twists and turns hide the road ahead but we are pushed forwards by our pumping hearts. We have split seconds to make decisions, right or left, straight or up or down, before it is lost and fading away into the blackness behind us. If we stop, we clot.
Jenny has stopped. She is standing at a fork in her path. One man stands to the right and another to the left. Both men tall, dark, and handsome. She knows these men, their paths have wound through hers for years, crossing, running together for a while, splitting apart once again. Weaving in and out, a tapestry of friendship.
Now they are here. Both at once, but pulling her life apart. She must chose. One or the other. Left or right. Up or down. No third option of coexistence. No choice but to choose.

To one side is a childhood friend. When he hugs her she only reaches his shoulder. He is tall, tall the way Jenny likes a man to be. Tall and broad and strong. Strong enough to hold her, to protect her, to restrain her. When he smiles, his dark eyes shine. His dark hair flies in the wind as he runs. When they kiss the dark stubble scratches her face. He is dark, but he is light. He is obviously beautiful, obviously joyful, obviously good. He makes her laugh and tried his best to please her. He is polite and makes her family happy. He is handsome.

To the other side is a strange man. Not a stranger but still strange. Though he isn't much taller than Jenny, he seems to take up far to much space in her mind. He is tall, tall from within. Jenny met him in darkness. Figurative and literal darkness. In the sorrow of her life he came like a shadow of a man. He is dark. He is weird. He makes her uncomfortable. He makes her laugh. And when she makes him smile he is beautiful. He tells her things she doesn't need to hear, calls her out when she is full of it. He doesn't try to heard to please her, and that pleases her. When they fuck he leaves bruises. He is not the kind of man Jenny would ever introduce to anyone. He is challenging and passionate and consuming, but not right for her on the surface. He is handsome.

Which one to chose? Which path to take? Which life to follow? Jenny looks from one to the other. She can see them, but she cant see past them to the life they will give her. Who to take a chance on? If she kissed them again would she know who it is that she needs in her life?
Taking a deep breath, Jenny decides. In her beating heart she knows who she needs.
Stepping forward and to the right, she takes a warm firm hand in her own and is swept once more down life's path, moving more surely now that she has someone to hold.

Wild One

Half hidden in the dark she is perfect. Silver moonlight reflecting off cream skin and midnight hair. She is tangled in the sheets, staring darkly into my eyes. Maybe she knows what I'm thinking. Maybe she knows I'm glad for the shadows. Glad I cant see the shiny scars that pattern her wrists and stomach and legs. Maybe not. Maybe she is just begging me to begin.

Finger tips on fire tracing cold liquid skin. A blazing trail of territory claimed, shapes memorised, and silent thoughts. In the dark I hear her breathing. Soft, shallow, steady breathing. I feel her trembling in anticipation, waiting for my next move, my next touch, my next unspoken word.
Without thought her body responds. There is power in my finger tips. With the smallest bit of skin I control her. With a millimetre of movement I captivate her. With the slightest pressure I enslave her.

I escape her eyes and kiss her. With a fistful of her hair I hold her down as I pull back. Her body arches up against me and I know she is truly mine. With lips and teeth and tongue I torture her. Tease her with touch but pull back before she has enough.

The tempo changes. Her need is savage. Her eyes are fire burning my name. I give in to that stare and make her glad she came. She wants me and needs me like never before. This time it's different. This time it's real.

She is all shallow breathing and tangled hair. All forgotten vows and broken promises. All mine.
I tie her up in ribbons and write my name across her skin. Smear the memory between our sweaty bodies. I hold her close and know she needs me closer. I pull her into myself so she forgets she even exists. With each moment I claim her and tame her. Break her open to keep her whole. Dissolver her into dust and release her to the air. I let her escape this heavy breathing and whisper her name so she keeps from screaming. I paint her skin with violent love to keep her heart from bleeding.

It's Still You

When someone dies
and everyone cries,
there are tears in my eyes.
but I'm crying for you.

You died long ago,
and somehow I know,
to put on a show,
and pretend I'm over you.

Death gives me a break,
from being a fake,
I can acknowledge the ache,
in my soul still for you.

I can pretend to be sad,
for their life no longer had,
but secretly I'm glad,
that once again I can mourn you.

It's too long for me,
since you were set free,
to still be unhappy,
I should be over you.

But even after all these years,
of love and tears,
of laughter and fears.
I only ever care about you.

I don't have a clue,
how to live, what to do,
but I know this to be true,
Every breath I take is still for you.