Monday, 11 August 2014

Regret Me Not

Relationships always end, and 
someone always leaves with a broken heart. 
But I need you to remember how you loved me, 
at least at the very start.

Remember when things were beautiful, 
before this twist in the plot, 
Remember those times now that we are parted. 
Please regret me not. 

The tears are running down your face. Your make up is running with it. Overzealous, overemotional, overreacting, but not this time. This time your tears seem like an understatement. How are you even breathing? I'm not. 
With the tears, and the make-up, and your somehow-still-beautiful crying, I'm still instinctively wanting to protect you. To draw you close in my arms and save you from the unending number of things that upset you. To shield you from the world that gives you too much. Feeds you too much. Makes you too much.
I can't help you this time though. This time you are the one inflicting the pain. 
On yourself. 
On me.
My arms are glued to my sides. My head is filled with hornets buzzing. Buzzing and stinging. Stinging me with your words. "It's over". 
Just two words. But two words that carry the weight of the world. The weight of our world crumbling into rubble at my feet. Colours bleeding. Plants dying. The sky falling into the sea.
The hornets wont stop buzzing. 

The world is fuzzy. Nice and blunt and easy to take in. Perhaps I'm going to pass out. 
I still can't remember how to breathe. I don't even remember what it feels like to breathe. To draw the air in and know that I'm alive. I'm not alive. I'm stone. 
Black spots are marring your face and I can feel that I'm starting to sway. 

"Are you even listening to me?"
I remember to breathe. 

I can see your face changing. Anger colours your features with red. Is it anger? I don't really know any more. How can I presume to know anything about you. Sure, two seconds ago you were the other half of my heart. The missing pieces from my soul. I thought I knew you better than myself. 
That person wouldn't have done this though. Not her. 
This is you. I don't know you. 

The buzzing has quieted down now. With every breath that I take, more of your words are breaking through. The carefully constructed mask that I live in is falling to your feet. I am naked before you. Naked like I might never have been before.
You are ranting, but I'm still stone still. 
I didn't love you. I didn't treat you right. I have held you back. How could I do this to you?
I don't know. I didn't realise that I was doing anything like this to you. I thought I was loving you, supporting you, treasuring you. 
I don't even know what you are saying. Were we even in the same relationship?
Obviously not. I was living in paradise. You were stuck in hell.
How can you say that I don't love you. Even now when your words are ripping my soul apart, I love you with the pieces that I have left.

"God! I wouldn't even be surprised if you told me that you cheated on me."
I don't know what to do any more. I am baffled. The world is fuzzy again, but this time it is all in my head. I can't even keep up with you. Not this time. You must have left me long ago, to even be thinking these things now. You pulled back. Looked from a different perspective. Looked at me from a different perspective. 

I never knew why you loved me. 
I guess one day you looked at me and realised that you didn't know why either. 

I don't even care if you leave me now. This new you isn't the you that I loved. I guess you changed and I didn't. I just need you to remember.
Remember things the way that I do. Remember the way that you loved me at the start. When things were beautiful and the smile still reached your eyes. Remember how I would kiss your eyes as you started to fall asleep. Remember the sunshine on your skin as we lay in the grass, laughing at the world. 
We were gods, you and I. We unlocked the mystery of the universe, the meaning of life. With our hearts beating together we found the thing people search forever to find. We were in love. Remember the giddy highs we shared, and the all consuming passion. Remember the secrets whispers, and the feel of my fingers in your hair. 

I need you to remember the precious, perfect moments, not this horrible, poisonous relationship you seem to think of now. 
Even as our life together is severed. Even as I hate you a little for doing this to me, for walking away from me. I need you to remember that you loved me. I need you to regret me not. 

I thought my hand would hold yours until the ending of time. 
I am a tree. My fingers are roots. You are the earth.
My life. 
My death.


  1. Absolutely beautiful!! This is the first piece of your work that I have read and I love it.

    1. Hi Sydney.

      I'm so glad you enjoyed this one.
      I wrote it for a friend. It is kind of a mash up of her breakup and one of mine.

      I hope you will keep reading and enjoy some of my other work on the rest of my blog. :]