Fear

I do not fear the things that could kill me.
I fear the dawning of each new day.
I fear the damage life can inflict.
I fear the toll I may have to pay.

Sinuous poison dripping down,
Filling me up till I overflow.
Thoughts spiralling filled with nothing,
I'm losing grip on what I know.

Every day steals something I cherish,
I'm losing it all, one moment at a time.
But when you see me my face will be smiling.
I'll never let you know that I'm not fine.

Lines once clear and straight are blurring.
Connections are much harder to make,
but I'll smile just in case I'm supposed to,
I'll act like I still know your face.

My heart aches with the tears in your eyes,
and I know I've done something wrong.
But I have forgotten how to get better,
I've been lost in this haze for so long.

I'm drowning in smoke and terror,
in this world where I recognise naught.
It's never been this hard to fight,
for each gasp of clear conscious thought.

I can feel myself slipping away,
I'm losing grip on the man I used to be.
I'm trying to remember the people who matter,
but I don't even remember me.

Sometime I have good days,
but in some ways the make it harder.
I remember all that I've lost,
as the memories fade away faster.

We are told that it's just part of ageing,
and that there is nothing they can do.
I just have to sit and wait for Alzheimer's,
to steal every memory I have with you.

100th Post

Today I was going to write my 100th blog post. It was going to be some poem or short story. I was going to think that it was amazing and share it on social media and try to get lots of people to read it, but now that seems absolutely ludicrous. Instead, I would like to say farewell. Farewell to a tiny baby boy who never even got the chance to live. 

Just over a week ago, a friend of mine started his paternity leave in preparation for the birth of his son. One week ago today he became a father. Yesterday his beautiful baby boy passed away.

I am haunted by how he looked the last time I saw him. He was practically vibrating with excitement at the prospect of being a dad. He was promising to send us pictures, cheerfully refusing to tell us what names he and his partner had picked, and incapable of not smiling. 

Now my heart is breaking to think what he must be going through. I can't even fathom what it must be like. It's just incomprehensible. How can someone survive something like that, let alone find the will to pick themselves up and keep going? How can they go home to the crib and the clothes and the toys? How can anything I might say or do possibly ease the burden of such a loss?
No one should have to endure such a thing as this.

It makes me feel so unreasonably fortunate and so wretchedly ungrateful. I am always talking about how things have happened that have made me suffer, but now I know that my friend and his partner would trade an eternity of my worst suffering just for one more day with their boy.
How can I lament experiencing pain, when I have had a life long enough to do so? It seems utterly despicable that I have all this time that I take completely for granted. Minutes and hours and days that I happily waste, when this poor child and his family had so few. 

I have never believed in an afterlife. I have never even wanted to believe in it, but now I find that I am hoping that I can. I want so badly to be able to believe that there is some kind of heaven for that tiny little boy or that there is some kind of master plan in which this somehow makes sense. 

I'm not quite there yet so I have done the only thing I can think of, write about it.

It's a pathetic offering to one so wronged by the world but it's all I know how to do. 

I humbly dedicate this post to him, baby boy Young. Even though he was only here for a short time he left an indelible mark on the world and on those who loved him. 
He will live forever in our hearts.

I know it's nothing compared to the life he should have had, but at the very least, this tiny corner of the internet will always belong to him. 

R.I.P

Free From Scars

I'm venting the pain,
so blood must flow.
I just can't hold on,
so down I will go.

Deep down into,
the darkness my friend.
Can't see where,
this is going to end.

Might end in healing,
and yet it might not.
If I survive, the scars,
will be all that I've got.

I've got plenty of scars,
not all you can see.
They mark ever time,
I have failed to break free.

I just want to be free,
so high up in the stars.
Free from this body,
painted in scars.

I can forget the scars,
but the memories stay.
It doesn't change a thing.
I'm still not okay.

What if...

There were infinite different paths,
I could have travelled along the way.
I wonder if in any of them,
I could have managed to make you stay...

I think, what if I were pretty,
and maybe a bit smarter too?
Would you still have left me?
Would I have still loved you?

What if I had kissed you,
that evening in the snow?
Silver starlight all around us,
and me never wanting to let go.

What if I hadn't called you again,
so soon after our date?
If I had sat home and just waited,
could I have avoided this fate?

What if I were like her,
so sexy, tall and smart?
Would I be cuddling in bed with you,
or still here with my broken heart?

Life is a series of choices,
so where did I choose wrong?
I must be at fault somehow,
I've known it all along.

You're so strong and smart and perfect.
Always far too good for me.
I know I have nothing to offer you,
I just wish you didn't agree.

What if I never loved you?
What if you never let go?
What if you never gave up?
What if I were still whole?

Watching Eyes

My skin prickles,
heart races,
soul feels,
your watching eyes.

I wonder what,
you think
you see,
within my lies.

Phantom watching,
me from
afar,
my heart denies.

You don't care,
enough
to share,
my broken skies.

Was not my choice,
to watch
you go,
leave me behind.

Forgotten friend,
you left
me alone,
and said goodbye.

Then from the blue,
I hear
you say,
we're still allies.

It's kind of nice,
to know
you're there,
to hear my cries.

I never let go,
even if
I gave,
you no replies.

You are not the
only
one who's
watching the skies

Can you feel it,
in your,
heart beat?
I'm watching Eyes.

My Greatest Fiction

I am my greatest work of fiction,
a perfect work of art.
A person created from nothing,
complete with all except a heart.

I am a million different threads,
of lives I pretend to lead.
Tell me how you want me,
I'll be anything you need.

If you want, I can be the hero,
I can play the bad guy too.
Just as long as I can be something,
someone who matters to you.

Half forged and half forgotten,
many threads no longer used.
The people they were made for,
no longer caught up in the ruse.

Different colours for different people
but only one is really me.
My thread is black and fraying,
no longer someone safe to be.

I'm lost in all these masks,
that I plaster onto my face.
I've no idea what I'd be,
without a mask in place.

Don't try to understand,
my patterns colourful whirl.
There's no truth left within,
I'm just a lie in the shape of a girl.

Tighter

Tie me up in ribbons,
write your name upon my skin.
Hold me to you tighter,
so I don't end where you begin.

Kiss

I kiss your lips,
to taste the sky. 
You kiss me back,
and taste a lie.

Author's Lament

We are screaming into the void,
with our silent keyboard voices.
When noticed, not alone,
the keyboard heart rejoices.