Tuesday, 15 November 2016

I'll lock myself away and scream into the dark Turn the music louder so I can't hear my heart.

Sunday, 2 October 2016

Ebb and Flow

Some days I feel like a person. Some days I feel like the last 9 years have meant something. Like I have progressed in some meaningful way. Some days I feel like the years have allowed some kind of healing in my heart.

Then there are the days like today. Today it might as well be 2007. Today I am the same girl who sat in the dark in my room with the door locked and music screaming watching the blood drip from my arm. Today I am not the person I have fought so hard to become. Today I am that broken mess of a girl that I used to be.

I hate that this person, this weakness, is still in me. I hate that I can fight for years to be better, to be happy. And in a second it can all just disappear.
I know it will be better tomorrow. I know tomorrow I will wake up fresh and put all the pieces back together again. But that's small comfort right now. Right now, even though I know that this night can't escape tomorrow, the sun coming up seems so impossibly far away.

And what's worse is that there is no one I can talk to. I don't have much in the way of friends. And the guy I am sleeping with isn't really into me. He just does me 'cause I'm there and willing. Plus, there is no point alarming anyone because I'm not going to do anything and tomorrow I'll make myself be fine again. So I come on here to write a post that no one will read because this is the only way I can get all this stuff safely out of my brain.

Why do I have to live like this? Is everyone else this miserable and they just keep it locked away like I do? Or am I as alone as I feel?

I just can't even

Saturday, 1 October 2016

Patch up the cracks
unbreak the stone
even living in ruins
beats being alone.

Wednesday, 24 August 2016


Recovering from my fight with a lawnmower was never going to be easy. I have worked so so hard to be positive and strong for everyone. Downplayed every problem and setback. Stayed positive in the face of every unknown.
Recently it's been getting harder though. I feel like the number of people I can turn to for help is getting smaller all the time as people go back to their own lives. Meanwhile, the things I have to deal with are piling up.
There are so many things I have to do. Physio to get mobility back in my arm, massages and ointment and pressure garments to minimise all the scarring, foods to eat to help me heal, doctors to see, bandages to manage. And on top of that I have to look after horses and dogs and chickens because mum is away looking after my nan who could die any day now. It's just too much. I have been getting so dangerously close to the limit of what I can deal with without losing it.

Fortunately my internal stitches are being well behaved at the moment or I think I would have lost it already.
I just feel like I am so alone...

It's good to have a place to vent though. Now I can go back to being tough and positive for a bit longer...

Friday, 22 July 2016

Small Bumps...

As I mentioned in my last post, I recently flipped a lawnmower on myself and got a couple of pretty impressive cuts. My recovery so far has been incredibly good. I have been very very lucky.
That's not to say that things have gone perfectly though, so I'm going to take this opportunity to complain about the few small bumps I have experienced.

The problem has been with the internal stitches. There are probably about 100 stitches beneath my skin holding all the muscle and tendons together. I thought these stitches would be the kind that dissolve after a while, but it turns out that's not the case. They are made of this spiky fishing line kind of material.
So far two of the stupid things have caused me problems by pressing up against my skin from underneath. Fortunately I have had help from some incredible medical professionals who have done their best to get me fixed up, but I'm not convinced that it's all over yet. One of the spots where the stitch had to be cut out still hasn't healed, which might mean that the wound specialist has to go in and cut something else out.
What makes it worse is that it's entirely possible that there will be more stitches that cause problems in the future. :[

Thursday, 14 July 2016

The Time I Tried to Fight a Lawnmower

So I haven't been super active on here in a really long time and for once I actually have a really good reason. I had a bit of a run-in with a running ride-on lawnmower. The thing flipped over on me when I was mowing in the paddock. I fared better than many and walked away with all my limbs and digits still attached, but it wasn't fun. I had to have surgery to fix lacerations on my legs and arm and it's taken over a month for me to regain enough mobility to get up and walk around on my own and be a bit independent.

I'm not complaining though, I really have been very lucky to have everything fixed up with no major infection or long term damage. Plus there's the fact that my parents have been incredible. My dad took weeks off work to stay with me every minute of every day that I was recovering in hospital and at home. My mum made sure I got the very best care and looked after my injuries when I was discharged from hospital (she's a nurse). I'm so so grateful for all of it.

It's not over yet and I still have a long way to go with my recovery, but I'm well enough now that I
can at least come on here and type away without too much discomfort. Hopefully that will help fill the days and I won't be so lonely. :]

Wednesday, 25 May 2016


When I am crying you walk right past.
When you're in groups I'm an outcast.

I sit by myself throughout every break.
When you're seen with me you shudder and shake.

You bitch about me when I'm not around.
You giggle and laugh when I fall to the ground.

You are cruel and mean in every way.
You make me loathe every single day.

You make me simply want to die.
While I stand alone and cry.

I took a gun from the draw where it lay in wait.
and took myself to the schools open gate.

You were all there laughing at me.
As I stood so silently.

You watched me put the gun to my head.
"It's all your fault" was all that I said.

You let out a scream as I fell to the ground.
You and your group huddled around.

You ran for help as quickly as you could.
As my blood spilled out over the spot where I'd stood.

My last words followed you around.
As the memory flashed of me dead on the ground.

My last words were stuck in your brain.
As you start to suffer from some of my pain.

The guilt ate through your mind through night and through day.
You saw I was right when I said that you'd pay.

Your friends drift away and you start to see,
Now that I'm dead, you've become me.

Friday, 19 February 2016

This Shadow Life - Taking a Day Off from Mental Health

I have this pretty sweet set up at work at the moment where instead of working five eight hour days, I work four ten hour days.
Now, when people find out about this they always seem to imagine me doing something glamorous on my day off. Like sipping coffee in a trendy cafe or out meeting boys at the park. Or at the very least they imagine me being productive by cleaning my house or catching up on laundry.

Honestly all that couldn't be further from the truth because for the most part I actually use my day off as a day off from mental health. My day off is like a free day to wallow in depression, go for a relaxing walk, binge on netflix, listen to sad/angry music, and basically just give in to my disease. It's a day when I don't have to be strong and together. I don't have to get dressed if I don't want to. I don't have to answer the phone if I don't want to. I don't have to do anything. 
That's not to say that I spend every day off in my room with the curtains drawn and heavy music playing while I stare blankly at the ceiling or cry my eyes out into my pillow. Some days I'm a normal person and I get stuff done, but the option is always there.

Some people probably think that having a day off from mental health is kind of counterproductive. Like all week you do your best and take a few steps forward, but then you have one day to give in and you take a million steps back. 
Frankly I don't think this is true. I think that having to be strong and working at your mental health all the time so that you can function like a normal person is exhausting. It's one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. and I have discovered in the past that when I try and keep it up all day every day, I'll last a while but eventually I will break and everything will come crashing down and there aren't enough sick days in the world to give me enough time to pull myself back together before another day at the office. 
Allowing myself some time off each week has given me a little release valve. A little bit of time when I can just let it all go and acknowledge my pain without having to feel like a failure for doing so. 

I can't be strong all the time... 

Thursday, 28 January 2016

This Shadow Life: Distance

One of my nans is pretty unwell at the moment. She is stable, but no one really knows .how much time she has left. She is my mum's mum and she has been sick for a while now (as if that makes it easier).
It's been really hard for the whole family, but mostly it's been really hard on my mum. My mum is superwoman. She is one of those mums who would do anything for you and because she is a nurse, so much of my nans care has fallen into mum's lap.

I have never been close to my nan. It's probably because in many ways I am a lot like her. We are both stubborn, strict, maybe a little arrogant, and definitely not renowned for having a great deal of tact. And even though we have some great things in common, like that we both enjoy writing and painting, we have never been close. We have always managed to clash. That's not to say that we don't love each other, but there has just always been a distance. She was never a fun nan.
But now she is sick and probably doesn't have a whole lot of time left and the cold part of me that has experienced death so many times before just wants to pull back even further to keep myself safe, to start creating the distance between us so it won't hurt so much when she is gone. But the human part of me wants to get closer. In the typical folly of youth, I have never asked my nan about her life and she has lived a huge life. She has travelled and worked and raised four kids and held together an imperfect marriage.
Some part of me feels like it would be wrong for me to do this now. Why should I get to care about her now when I haven't cared for the last two and a half decades.
I feel like either way I go I'm taking the coward's way out. Like I shouldn't get to make myself feel better by getting to know her now.
I don't know what to do. :/

Sunday, 10 January 2016

A Perfect Moment

Your heart is beating faster,
the music is playing slow,
But then her hand is in your hand,
and that's all you need to know.

Her smile says "I love you"'
and her heart welcomes you home.
With a kiss you make a promise,
to never leave her alone.

You promise health and sickness,
and love till the end of your years.
You promise support and trust,
through both happiness and tears.

Rose petals are falling,
in her hair and on your shoulder.
But the crowd is miles away,
the world is silent when you hold her.

Her lips are tight against yours,
you feel her smiling as you kiss,
Though you can't wait for the future,
you wish you could stay here, just like this.

Monday, 4 January 2016

Happy New Year!!

Hello beautiful internet friends. Welcome to 2016!

I have no idea how 2015 disappeared so quickly but I am so glad that it did. Last year was absolutely rubbish for a number of personal reasons. Some people I love passed away, pets got sick, people got sick and then they got sicker. My parents just about ran themselves into the ground trying to help everyone and I ran myself into the ground trying to help them.
But now it's over and I don't know about you, but I'm ready to start fresh with a brand new year.

I'm not one for making New Year's resolutions. They never seem to work out and failing makes me sad so I tend to go with the idea that if you don't try then you can't fail. To be honest, it's not the best way to go through life, and I'm getting kind of sick of getting to the end of each year and finding that I'm exactly where I was when the year started.

We have the power to change our lives any time we want. We can tell someone we love them, or go for a run, or travel the world. Despite the fact that we could do these things, we don't. I think it's largely because for most people, our goals exist only as a little list written in the smallest, darkest corners of our hearts. We tell no one of the amazing feats we dream of achieving, which makes us accountable to no one but ourselves. This means that if we fail, no one has to know that we failed. And if we succeed, we can emerge at the end of the year as a glorious butterfly and no one has to know that we worked our butts off every day to get there.

So this year I'm going to do things properly. I'm not going to rely on the magical power of New Year's resolutions to make all my dreams come true. I am going to give myself some goals to work towards each day. But I'm also going to share them on here with all of you so you can help keep me on track. :]

  1. I will write every day. Doesn't matter if it's a few scribbled lines of poetry, posts on here, writing in my journal, or proper short stories and creative writing.  
  2. I will exercise and/or ride my horses every day.
  3. I will go out more/actually do things with people when they invite me.
  4. When I haven't seen my friends in a while, I will call them and ask them how they are.
  5. I will grow my own food and try to eat more healthy stuff. 

I know I'm going to fail sometimes (It's only the 4th of Jan and I have already slipped up a bit) but hopefully having this list will help me make the changes I want in my life.

I'm totally keen to help anyone on here with their resolutions or goals too. Most studies show that these things are more successful if you have a buddy. So lets be buddies.
We can chat about what we want to achieve and spill the beans when we slip up. :]