Sunday, 31 August 2014

Things I'll Never Say

The things that mater most, are the things I will never say.
A broken promise inside my heart, forever you must stay.

People read my stories and think, that my life must have been hard.
But none of them will ever know, the real reason that I'm scarred.

Some things are just too hard, to say or speak about out loud.
That doesn't mean that I don't miss you, when I'm alone or lost in the crowd.

The wound is just too real for me, even after all these years.
and I know how sad it would make you, to see me always in tears.

So I think I'll just miss you quietly, in the hollow space inside my heart.
The space that was carved out to hold you, right from the very start.

Girl in the Night - Part 4 - Half Light

<< Return to part 3 - Insight <<

In the dappled grey of moonlight the world quiets into a fitful slumber. The land is grey and muted, a molten lead shadow of daylight's sun kissed glory. The sounds of the world are muted too. The chaos of life, the howl of the wind, the creak of the growing forest, it all subsides into the heavy breathing silence of night.
The night is a time for hunters, stealthy nightmares that prowl in the darkness while the weak run and hide.
In the night, the stillness is broken only by bursts of lunatic laughter as the hunters terrorise their prey, and by hollow screams of the dying.

A dream creeps through the forest on tiny silent feet. She is a dream. She has no presence. She something seen, but not really there. Insubstantial. Something noticed, but then easily forgotten. She slips in and out of the shadow forest like a whisper on the breeze. This is Sarah, or at least what is left of her. She has learned to live as a wraith. A shimmer in the darkness.

Through all the months since she awoke, half submerged on the bank of the river, Sarah wandered. She wandered away from the pungent sting of the ocean salt and off through the forest.
At first she blundered forward, tripping on roots and branches. Snagging her clothes on every twig and bramble. The forest animals fled at the noise of her passing and she grew hungry.
With the desperation of the dying she ate whatever she could find. At first grubs and grasses were all she could manage but as she grew into her life in the forest and her skeleton forced it's way out thorough her whithering flesh, she became desperate enough, and light enough, to take to the trees. The birds eggs were delicious. Rich and warm. So much better than grubs.

One evening, a mother bird retuned to it's nest while Sarah still crouched on the branch beside it, sucking an egg from it's fragile shell. The bird noticed her, but was too distraught be the sight of the empty nest to pay her much attention. Frozen at the sight of the bird, Sarah's mouth flooded with saliva. She could almost remember what meat tasted like.
The bird began to urgently hop around it's nest, and when it reached the point closest to Sarah, she leapt. With both hands she grabbed onto the silky feathers, and together they fell. The ground was soft with leaf littler, but the little bird landed between Sarah and the ground. It lay broken and dead, but still somehow beautiful. With broken wings and dripping blood, Sarah thought it to be the most beautiful thing she had ever seen.

The bird marked a turning point for Sarah. She learned that she was capable of killing, capable of fighting, capable of surviving on her own. This is when she began to move through the forest like a hunter. Her steps became quieter, and eventually silent. She learned the voices of the forest, and forsaking the language she was taught as a child, she began to speak as one of the animals. The distress calls of prey that she had heard in the past soon gurgled in her throat as she lured the night predators to her waiting hands and snarling mouth.
She became wild. More wild than the howling wolves. More wild than the wind on the ocean.

She lived for the half light between day and night, where animals were restless and tired, moving to bed after a day of hunting, or just waking up for the night. They were less careful then, more easily caught and subdued. In the half light, Sarah would fly through the forest on feather feet like a ghost. The dirt on her clothes and embedded in her skin made her the same colour as the twilight, invisible to any watching eyes. She was one with the earth and the birds and the sky.

Then the sun would lighted the eastern sky with a promise to rise and the earth would call her down to sleep. With a full stomach she would curl up where she stopped and forget all the world around her.

One night when she stopped, it was on a particularly hard patch of ground. Crawling along it, following a shallow rut in one direction, it seemed to stretch on for ever, but turning to the side she found a soft mound of dirt quite quickly. Curling up in a ball she placed her arm over her head to shield her face from the light of the quickly rising sun.
Something pulled at her brain as she lay there, drifting off to sleep. Something familiar about that hard ground and that rut running through it. The nagging thought in her brain swum into her dreams as she fell deeply into sleep.

A memory floated to the surface of her mind, becoming clearer with each hour as she slipped away from concious thought. The memory was from her childhood. She had been playing the in the garden across from her home when she heard the kitchen maids calling her in for supper. Exited to see her father at the table she had leapt up and run. She ran so fast that when she tripped she felt like he was flying through the air. When she landed it was bloody. Skinned elbows and knees. Ripped dress.
With tears in her eyes she had hobbled back to see what she had tripped on.
It was the wheel rut from carriages trundling down the road...
The road. Oh god. Dragging herself out of the memory she fought to wake up.
Desperate to be wrong, inside her head she was stuck on repeat thinking, "No no no, not a road, please god not a road."
Reaching the surface of her mind she finally woke up.

The sunlight was blinding when she first opened her eyes, even though it was filtered through the veil of clothing on the arm that covered her face. Fear filler her as she gave her eyes time to adjust to the light. Thoughts that her savage life had buried began to flow through her mind, and terror began to take hold. Her fiancée, her father, the blood, the terror. It all rushed back in and tried to drown her.
Fighting down the urge to run she realised that she had to look. She had to know where she was.
She calmed her racing heart, slowed her breathing, and removed the clothing that covered her face....

>> Continue to part 5 - New Light >>

Saturday, 30 August 2014

This Shadow Life - Take Me Home

Today I went walking in the forest. I don't know why. I didn't plan it. I just found myself getting up from the lounge, putting down the chocolate, and tying up my shoes.
As a rule I don't exercise. It's easier to do nothing. It's easier to hate myself.
I know I need to make changes, but it's so much easier to just sit back down and watch another movie. To watch other people living wonderful, fulfilling lives. It's easier to be nothing myself.

Today was different somehow. It's like something was calling to me. Something I couldn't see or hear. Something inspiring movement in my wasted limbs. Something calling out to my very soul.
Through the open fields I wandered. Mindlessly placing one foot in front of the other, drawn onwards, ever onwards.
With time the field gave way to trees. The forest grew up around me with each laboured breath I took. It was too small to notice at fist, but with every step that I took through the trees I felt the peace growing back into my heart. With every breath I felt the self loathing slip away, I saw the world grow brighter. With every step my heart grew lighter, my mind clearer. With my body moving my thoughts gained purpose. To the rhythm of my breathing I contemplated myself. With the sun shining I remembered who I am.
Then the rain came down, gentle at first. It filled my lungs and clung to my eyelashes. It was like walking through a cloud. I smiled through the water as I felt a bubble rising in my chest.
Then the rain got heavy. It poured over me and I stopped. I stopped to hear the beat of the earth's heart dripping through my blood. I stopped to revel in the calm, in the elation, in the peace. I stopped to revel in myself. I turned my face to the sky and the bubble finally reached the surface. I laughed. The rain washed me clean. Washed my soul clean.

When the hate creeps in, it's like poison. Slow and patient and deadly. It seeps into my bones with every second that I spend away from this place. From the living forest that reminds me I'm alive.
Most often I am dying so long that I forget to even come back here. I don't notice myself changing. I feel fine. Until the forest calls me back here and reminds me who I am. It draws the poison out. It folds me deep into it's embrace. It reminds me that there is still beauty. Still purpose. Still peace to be found.
This life I have chosen. This path I am on. I think it is good for me, but it is so not good for me. There are no trees where I work, but the money is good. It's a good job. It's everything I was ever supposed to have. But as the poison sinks in, sometimes I hear the forest calling me home.

Monday, 25 August 2014


Walking down the road, headlights shine through me.
How did I get here? We were so happy .

I must have missed when you started to hate
I should have stopped you and escaped this fate .

Here in the gutter, you left me broken,
Alone since, not a  word I have spoken

People must see me, when the light is right,
I know 'coz they jump, and scream loud in fright

But walking along this cold empty street,
You are the one I am hoping to meet

I owe you one for what you did that day
you left me to die and ran on your way

Silent tears are drifting slow down my face
That night from my mind, I cannot erase

Now I am nothing, I'll never be free
I'll find and kill you, you did this to me. 

This is something I wrote for a challenge in one of the communities that I am a part of. 
The challenge was to write something related to the word 'Death' only using 10 syllable lines. :]
If you have any ideas/writings for this challenge, feel free to post in the comments below. 

Girl in the Night - Part 3 - Insight

<< Return to part 2 - Flight <<

The world exploded in Sarah's ears as she crashed into the water. The hard surface slapped into her back and forced the air from her lungs. Bubbles rushed to the surface as she was forced down, down into the rocky river bed beneath the crystal clear water.
With the sky sailing by above her, Sarah could feel the current pressing her down and knew it would be pointless to struggle against it. A river this old and strong could not be conquered. Instead of fighting she let go. She had been fighting for so long, every nerve on edge, her strength stretched to the limit. The peace and quiet beneath the river was a welcome change. She relaxed into the rhythm of the river as it washed her back and forth across the ground, almost rocking her to sleep.
Her golden hair shifted gently around her face and tickled the back of her neck with the tiny eddies in the flowing water. The fine net her hair cast was so beautiful against the silver blue rippling sky above her, that she started to sink more deeply into relaxation.

The agony in her lungs began to subside and through the icy water she felt her face pull into a smile. At least they wouldn't be able to catch her now.

When the blackness overtook her she welcomed it with an open mind. She welcomed the respite from her aching body and her broken heart.


Sarah woke slowly in the misty morning light. The pillow beneath her head was cold, the bed hard and lumpy. Groaning as she moved, she rolled over to pull up the covers. The icy silk sliped between her fingers. Normally when she woke she was warm and comfortable in her huge bed. The maids would be clattering around in the kitchen, and the smell of bread would waft up the stairs. This was different. She was cold and sore, and the hard uncomfortable thing beneath her was definitely not her bed. Letting her senses roam out in an attempt to determine her location, she heard a gentle bubbling of water, and she smelled the salty tang of the ocean.
With that smell it all came rushing back. The announcement, the death, the running, the fall.
Laying on the frozen rocky river bank she broke. The wave of grief crashed over her and tore her to splinters like a ship thrown onto a reef.
She cried forever. She cried until it was all that she could remember doing. She cried for herself, for William, for her father. She cried for everything that she had lost in less than a week.
When her tears ran out she sobbed. Dry, painful half screams rocked her body and tore from her chest. She curled into a ball and tried to hold herself together. It didn't work. She felt pieces of her soul crumbling into nothing. She was turning to dust and floating away with the breeze. With each shuddering breath she felt herself slipping. However, she also noticed the agony subsiding with every particle that left her and so she let go. She surrendered herself to the nothing and felt it all fading away.

When she had lost it all and nothing was left, exhaustion finally took over. Her body went limp and her mind roamed calmly through the memories piled up on the floor in her heart. Her thoughts no longer spun out of control into grief, but instead sank deeper into a kind of meditative self reflection that she had never felt before. She learned many things about herself, her life, and the world she lived in. More than anything else, she realised the mistakes that she made which had led her to that point.
She had trusted. She had loved. She had relied on men to look after her. She had been soft and fragile. It was her fault. The men in her life had never been perfect, but Sarah realised that she was to blame for allowing them such control over her in the first place. She should have been learning about the world and how to take care of herself, instead of worrying about what dress to wear and how to style her hair so that she would be more pretty than all the other girls. She should never have blindly trusted the men who were supposed to protect her.
Drawing strength from this realisation, and her new resolve to never make those mistakes again, a burning determination filled her body and flames hardened her heart.
Sarah pulled herself from where she lay, half submerged in the river, and began her journey inland.

>> Proceed to part 4 - Half Light >>

Thursday, 21 August 2014

Pretty flower picture

I often find that drawing something pretty makes me feel a little better. 

These are really pretty and actually quite easy to draw. 

Give it a go :)

Wednesday, 20 August 2014


Everyone is selfish, 
in their own tiny way. 
I just want someone to hear
the things I have to say. 

I want you to know what I have been through
how hard it's been to persevere, 
you just want me to stop talking, 
this is too hard for you to hear. 

I think my need to talk it out, 
trumps your need to not be hurt.
You think your comfort more important
and stick your head in the dirt. 

"Can we please change the subject?" 
Your continual request.
How can I ever deal with what happened,
if I cannot get it off my chest?

I need to tell someone about it, 
I need to share this load. 
If I always keep it bottled up, 
someday I might explode. 

Sunday, 17 August 2014

Cold Like Me

Kiss me on the lips. Open your mouth. Let my frozen breath mix with yours.
Press your skin to mine. Hold it there. Feel your body shiver.
Murmur my name. Say that you love me. Listen to the silence of my response.

You shouldn't have let it come this far. Now you will get what you deserve. You may not realise it now, but you asked for this.
I warned you that I'm cold. I warned you over and over again. I told you I would break you. That I would tear your heart into pieces. You said that you didn't care. That you don't care. That there is nothing I can do that will stop you loving me. Do you see how pathetic you are?
You are clinging onto nothing.

Maybe you thought I was joking, or trying to be cute to encourage you on.
I wasn't. I was serious. I am serious. I will bring you down with me, one degree at a time.
We will do this thing that you wrongly call love all through the night. Over and over again you will convince yourself that I love you. That I was wrong. That this is something.
In the morning it will be over and I will be bored of you. You will cry, but frankly I don't care. I'm cold.
Cold and hard as ice.

Maybe you think that you are different, just like all the ones before you. Maybe you think you can change me. You think you can melt the icicles from my soul with the warmth of your love?
You can't. You won't have a chance. You wouldn't even have a chance if I wanted to let you try. There is no fixing me. There is no fixing someone this far gone. You are just a distraction, something to fill my time.

For the night I will get lost inside you. In the scent of your skin, the beat of your heart, and the light in your eyes. I'll forget myself in each physical moment. Then the sun will rise and I will forget you.
You might say that it means something. Those movements in the night. They don't. It wouldn't matter if it were you, or anyone else on the planet.You are all just my way of filling time.

I have so much time. I decided not to die, but now what?
What do I do with this life?
I have no interest in anything. I have no goals, no aims, no future.
So I might as well sit here in the dark with you and cool your fire against my heart.

You Make Me

You make me want to live for ever, just so that I can see every ray of sun that ever kissed your skin. Bouncing around the universe into infinity. You make me want to live forever so that I can drink every drop of rain that ever fell at your feet. I need to steal the things that touched you. I need to swallow them whole so that no one can ever claim you but me. You make one life time of loving you not even close to being enough.
This wasn't me, but you have changed me. I never wanted to live forever until you smile touched my lips. I never wanted to live forever until your skin was so soft beneath my finger tips.

You make me want to smile. A million teeth and lips as wide as the ocean. You make me want to laugh so loud the stars can hear. Te deafen everyone else so that your voice is mine alone. You make me want to change the world. To make it perfect for you, to reflect your glory.
You make me want to pull the light from the sun and cast it as a halo around you. To consume the smell of your skin.

You make me want to give you up. You make me want to quit you. Like a drug in my blood I need you. I crave you. I will die without you. But I am a drug in your system too. I'm the kind that isn't good, the kind that will just bring you down. I'm not good for you. I'm not good enough for you.

You make me want to fight for you. To cast the world into ruins if it offends you. You make me want to be a better man. You make me into a white knight in shining armour. You make me willing to die to protect you. It would kill me if anything ever hurt you.

You make me want to build palaces for you. To make the world beautiful. Gardens everywhere alight with fireflies and fairy lights. You make me want to fill the night with fireworks. Green and gold and red. Love blooming in the night sky. You make me want to hold you. Cradle you to me chest. You make me want to listen to the melody of your soft breathing in the morning. To your heart fluttering with life. You make me live just to hear you say my name.

You make me want to die right now to preserve this precious feeling. To sink into nothing with this smile plastered across my face. You make me want to vanish into the perfect happiness inside my heart.

You make me want to take you with me. So that we can be forever as one side by side. It can never be more perfect than now. Nothing could ever be more complete than you and I. I have peaked. I cannot lose you. I cannot bare for this feeling to change.

This is what you do to me. You make me into all the things I have never wanted to be.
You make me...confused.

Wednesday, 13 August 2014

Not a RIP Robin Post

Lately I have seen a lot of posts about Robin Williams. Obviously this is because he committed suicide a few days ago. There are loads of people sharing fond memories, celebrating his life, mourning our loss, and just generally posting about mental health.
To be totally frank, it all makes me pretty angry.

Millions of people all around the world are writing about the tragedy that is, the suicide of Robin Williams. They are writing about the wonderful, kind, caring, warm, and hilarious man that he was, they are writing about how he changed their lives for the better, which is all great, but also part of what makes me so angry.
To all of you who are saying that you already knew that you love Robin Williams, and that you already knew how important he is to you, I say, how often did you tell him that?
This isn't just about Robin either. It is about a whole facet of society just begging to have someone smile at them. This group of severely depressed people who feel so alone and hated that they end up killing themselves, only to then have a giant memorial thrown in their honour, filled with people crying and missing them.
I know some people who have committed suicide, and every single one of those deaths has been contributed to by unkind people such as teachers, parents, 'friends' and even complete strangers who criticise, bully, belittle and ignore. The perpetrators aren't bad people, and they usually don't even realise the impact of what they do.
I hate that we haven't learned the importance of showing people what they mean to you.
I'm not saying that any of this would have made a difference to Robin Williams, I am just saying that it makes a difference.

Before the news of his death was broadcast around the globe, Robin Williams would almost never come up in conversation. There were not many articles, stories or posts dedicated to him. He was nowhere to be seen. Now, the world has exploded with quotes, images, and tributes.
What makes me mad is the timing.
Why is all this love and affection coming out now, now that he is dead and it can no longer brighten his life?
Why the hell does someone have to die before we realise how much they mean to us?

Did you write to him? tweet him? draw him pictures?
Did you ever try to connect with him as a human?
You probably never did. You almost certainly didn't do that last, and most important one.

It happens all the time. All the fucking time.

This is something that I have seen time and time again. People never learn.
Someone we cared about dies, they take their own life, and we are filled with sorrow, but also with regret. Regret for not telling them we had a crush on them, for not smile back at them from across a class room, for teasing them the day before it happened.
This regret should be the sign that something needs to change, that we need to be kind to other people.
Everyone is fighting a battle. We shouldn't be trying to make that fight even harder.

But for the person who ends up dead, it all tends to feel like a whole world of hate, and often just one kind person trying to make a connection makes all the difference.

I hate that people are still feeling so alone and unloved, that death is all they have left.

Smiling at someone on the street might be what convinces them not to jump off the bridge that they were walking to.

Reach across the space between us,
meet me where I stand.
Stretch you arm out across the gap
and take my trembling hand.

All I need is to feel a connection,
to know that someone cares.
People say that I matter,
but they're so caught up in their own affairs.

No one sees that I’m falling,
into this dark abyss of despair.
I feel like I’m drowning in sorrow,
struggling for every gasp of air.

I don’t want to be seen as a whinger,
someone who will just sit and moan.
I’m not looking for attention,
I’m just so tired of being alone.

Cherish the people you love, and most importantly, let them know that they are loved.

Monday, 11 August 2014

Regret Me Not

Relationships always end, and 
someone always leaves with a broken heart. 
But I need you to remember how you loved me, 
at least at the very start.

Remember when things were beautiful, 
before this twist in the plot, 
Remember those times now that we are parted. 
Please regret me not. 

The tears are running down your face. Your make up is running with it. Overzealous, overemotional, overreacting, but not this time. This time your tears seem like an understatement. How are you even breathing? I'm not. 
With the tears, and the make-up, and your somehow-still-beautiful crying, I'm still instinctively wanting to protect you. To draw you close in my arms and save you from the unending number of things that upset you. To shield you from the world that gives you too much. Feeds you too much. Makes you too much.
I can't help you this time though. This time you are the one inflicting the pain. 
On yourself. 
On me.
My arms are glued to my sides. My head is filled with hornets buzzing. Buzzing and stinging. Stinging me with your words. "It's over". 
Just two words. But two words that carry the weight of the world. The weight of our world crumbling into rubble at my feet. Colours bleeding. Plants dying. The sky falling into the sea.
The hornets wont stop buzzing. 

The world is fuzzy. Nice and blunt and easy to take in. Perhaps I'm going to pass out. 
I still can't remember how to breathe. I don't even remember what it feels like to breathe. To draw the air in and know that I'm alive. I'm not alive. I'm stone. 
Black spots are marring your face and I can feel that I'm starting to sway. 

"Are you even listening to me?"
I remember to breathe. 

I can see your face changing. Anger colours your features with red. Is it anger? I don't really know any more. How can I presume to know anything about you. Sure, two seconds ago you were the other half of my heart. The missing pieces from my soul. I thought I knew you better than myself. 
That person wouldn't have done this though. Not her. 
This is you. I don't know you. 

The buzzing has quieted down now. With every breath that I take, more of your words are breaking through. The carefully constructed mask that I live in is falling to your feet. I am naked before you. Naked like I might never have been before.
You are ranting, but I'm still stone still. 
I didn't love you. I didn't treat you right. I have held you back. How could I do this to you?
I don't know. I didn't realise that I was doing anything like this to you. I thought I was loving you, supporting you, treasuring you. 
I don't even know what you are saying. Were we even in the same relationship?
Obviously not. I was living in paradise. You were stuck in hell.
How can you say that I don't love you. Even now when your words are ripping my soul apart, I love you with the pieces that I have left.

"God! I wouldn't even be surprised if you told me that you cheated on me."
I don't know what to do any more. I am baffled. The world is fuzzy again, but this time it is all in my head. I can't even keep up with you. Not this time. You must have left me long ago, to even be thinking these things now. You pulled back. Looked from a different perspective. Looked at me from a different perspective. 

I never knew why you loved me. 
I guess one day you looked at me and realised that you didn't know why either. 

I don't even care if you leave me now. This new you isn't the you that I loved. I guess you changed and I didn't. I just need you to remember.
Remember things the way that I do. Remember the way that you loved me at the start. When things were beautiful and the smile still reached your eyes. Remember how I would kiss your eyes as you started to fall asleep. Remember the sunshine on your skin as we lay in the grass, laughing at the world. 
We were gods, you and I. We unlocked the mystery of the universe, the meaning of life. With our hearts beating together we found the thing people search forever to find. We were in love. Remember the giddy highs we shared, and the all consuming passion. Remember the secrets whispers, and the feel of my fingers in your hair. 

I need you to remember the precious, perfect moments, not this horrible, poisonous relationship you seem to think of now. 
Even as our life together is severed. Even as I hate you a little for doing this to me, for walking away from me. I need you to remember that you loved me. I need you to regret me not. 

I thought my hand would hold yours until the ending of time. 
I am a tree. My fingers are roots. You are the earth.
My life. 
My death.

Sunday, 3 August 2014

Liebster Award!

It never rains but it pours.

There is often not much happening in my life, but then something changes and all of a sudden I have a million things going at once. 

One of the things going on at the moment is that I have been nominated for a Liebster award. That's pretty exciting right?

It's great to know that my writing has made an impact on people in the few short months that I have been blogging. :]

I'm super flattered and apparently I have to write this...

I was nominated by Kate Arbre because apparently she enjoys what I do. (crazy, right?)

Kate is pretty rad, she writes a blog called Our Wolf Song (I know what you are thinking, greatest name for a blog). It's about finding great music, as well as helping people who struggle with self harm.

This award is a pretty good way for readers to discover new and awesome blogs, as well as a way for us bloggers to get more exposure. Basically, it is a great way of connecting people and strengthening the blogging community.

The rules of the Liebster Award are as follows:
1. Thank your nominator!
2. Write 11 random facts about yourself.
3. Answer the questions your nominator asked.
4. Nominate people (with smaller accounts) and tell them!
5. Write 11 questions for your nominees.

11 random facts about Sasha Heart:
1. I'm not a fan of religion, but I am a very spiritual person and meditate quite regularly.
2. I have experienced depression, and ptsd for most of my life. 
3. I love movies, books, music, and really any form of escapism.
4. I'm a horse rider and I currently own two horses. 
5. My room is purple.
6. Sometimes I cry in my sleep and wake up with tears running down my face.
7. Social situations make me uncomfortable.
8. I'm a pretty obsessive person. At the moment I can't get enough of tiny houses. 
9. I currently have two tattoos (planning on more) and nine piercings.
10. I believe that learning how to see things from someone else's perspective and understanding where they are coming from, even if you don't agree with them, is one of the best things you can do to become a better person.
11. I love toast so much, that sometimes I get so excited when I eat it that I get the hiccups

11 questions from Kate:
1. Pick 3 people for your Zombie apocalypse team (can be famous, fictional etc...)
Chuck Norris (obviously) because no zombie would ever be a match for him. He would do all the fighting while I just hang with the other two. 
Ian Somerhalder because he is a hugely inspirational person and I feel like he would be great to talk to.
Probably also Andy Biersack, because lets face it, he is a super hot, talented, and very cool guy. 
2. What is 1 item you can't live without?
I think I could live without pretty much everything. 
I have actually always thought that I might like to live a really simple life in the country with no power or technology. Just me and animals and nature. God that sounds so lame a hippy. 
I would probably struggle without some pens and paper to write with and a couple million books to read though.  
3. Why did you start blogging?
I started blogging mostly for myself. I love to write and be creative and I figured that blogging would be a good forum because it would make me write regularly. 
Then I realised why I actually want to write a blog. 
It's because I have a story. A story that many people can relate to, but that very few people will talk about openly and honestly. 
I'm not in crisis any more, but when I was I was desperate to find something, or someone that I could relate to. Someone who would understand, and be blunt and honest. Not someone who would bombard me with virtual hugs and stupid, hollow, inspirational words. 
I never found it and I ended up hating the internet community for not being what I needed. It felt like everyone was just full of shit to be perfectly honest. 
There is a phrase that I have found to be very true of the internet in regards to depression and mental illness. It is "we are just a bunch of suicidal kids, trying to convince other suicidal kids that suicide isn't the answer".
That has stuck with me because it is so true. I don't want to be like the people I found on the internet, or just another suicidal person trying to tell you all that it isn't the answer.
I have no idea what the right thing for you is.
So now I write this blog about anything and everything, and I take the time to talk to anyone who wants to contact me. 
I tell my story, and also the story of a lot of other people that I have met along the way, in the hopes that someone will read it and it will help them to feel just a tiny bit less alone. 
What I write is often uncomfortable and controversial, but it is honest and it is important.  
4. What instrument do you wish you could master?
I am actually a flautist (that's a person who plays the flute). I played all through school and managed to get pretty good. 
I have also had some experience playing the sax, piano, trumpet, drums, and violin. 
Not to brag or anything. lol
5. What country do you want to visit the most?
I have actually been to a lot of countries. 
I would love to go back to Poland. That place is amazing. 
Of the places that I haven't been, I think it would be rad to go to Africa and/or Alaska. They both seem so savage and wild, something that I can relate to. 
6. What was the last dream you had?
I don't really dream. At least not that I remember. 
Sometimes I cry in my sleep, so maybe I have sad dreams. That's pretty weird, so I will elaborate. 
When I was younger, someone made fun of me for crying so much. That New Years, I swore that I would never cry again. That is a pretty hard thing to do and naturally, I failed miserably.
Skip to the present and I have recently realised that I have accidentally achieved that resolution. I almost never cry. But I guess it all just stays pent up inside me and the only time it can get out is when I can't control it, aka when I am asleep. 
7. Your happiest moment?
I honestly have no idea about this one. I don't really have any outstandingly happy moments. 
Maybe when I was walking out of the airport terminal, exhausted after like 24 hours of flying, and lonely after two months overseas on my own, and saw my parents and nan there waiting for me. :]
8. Fight or flight?
Neither. I am all about passive acceptance of the world.
I think that people should be able to say or do whatever they want unless it harms someone else.
If it really came down to it and I was in real danger, I like to think that I would fight but I would probably just escape into my mind and let whatever happens happen. 
9. Your favourite band?
That's a mean question. I have way too many favourite bands.
I am a fan of just about every kind of music and what I listen to depends on my mood. There are a couple of bands that I never get tired of listening too though, so I guess they would count and my favourites. In no real order...I love Soilwork, We are the Ocean, The Used, Alesana, Bullet for My Valentine, Breaking Benjamin, Parkway Drive (a great Aussie band), Black Veil Brides, Asking Alexandria, Birdy, Christina Perri, Deathstars, Falling in Reverse, Escape the Fate (when Ronnie was the lead singer), Imaging Dragons, and Fort Minor. 
10. What are your favourite YouTube channels?
I don't really like to spend/waste too much of my time on youtube. So I have no idea. 
11. If you could control 1 of the 4 elements, what would you choose?
Probably air, based on the idea that air is connected to the soul and the breath of life, but in terms of practicality and which would be the most awesome to use, I would go with water.

My Nominees
I am going to nominate Steph Ex, mostly for her creative writing entries.
Her writing is great and something that I can relate to.
I always love seeing her work pop up on my news feed.
You can see the creative entries on her blog here

I'm Also going to nominate Max Saunders, the post-apocalyptic writer from Exmouth.
His stories are weird and interesting. He is also great because his name is Maximilian James-Bainbridge Saunders. Best name EVER!
You can find his blog here

I would also nominate Kate Arbre, but she is the one who nominated me.
You can still answer the questions if you want Kate. ;]

I would like to amend these nominations to include a new blog that I have discovered and a new person I have met who 100% deserves this. +Christina Campbell Hughes .
Your blog is great. I really like reading about your adventures and looking at your amazing snowman and pink gumboot pictures. :]
You can find Christina's blog here

There are others who I would nominate because they are amazing, but most of them already have a fairly large following.

Questions for my Nominees
1. If you could become a character in any book (replacing one of the existing characters or entering as a new one) who would you be and what book would you be in?
2. Why did you start blogging and what do you hope to achieve with your blog?
3. If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would you choose to eat?
4. What was your dream job when you were a kid?
5. What superpower do you wish you had?
6. What is your favourite book or book series and why?
7. How many countries have you visited?
8. What do you value most in people?
9. Cats or dogs?
10. What medium do you use when writing creatively? (pen on paper, pencil, computer etc)
11. How do you feel riiiiiight now?

Thanks for reading, and remember to keep counting the seconds. :]

Soundtrack of my Suicide

I lay in bed in the evening,
and turn my music down.
I hear you out there screaming.
I hear you trying not to drown.

The noise is always the same,
you are always trying to be strong.
But lets all face the truth for a minute,
it's pointless to go on.

I have been a burden,
since the first day that we met.
Over and over I let you down,
and done things that you can't forget.

But no matter what I do to you,
you never leave my side.
He never would have loved me,
no matter how much I tried.

Maybe that's why you fight for me,
when he raises his hand.
You place yourself in his way,
until you can no longer stand.

I'll not put you through this any longer.
This is the last time I'll let him hurt you.
I know it will be hard for a while,
but I'm certain that you will pull through.

Maybe tomorrow when I'm gone,
you wont have to keep getting hurt for me.
Maybe tomorrow when I'm gone,
he will be like the man he used to be.

You say he wasn't always a monster,
that he used to softly whisper your name.
You say he loved you so completely,
before you called me to you, and I came.

Please don't blame yourself mum,
when you find me here in bed tonight.
This is in no way your fault mum,
I just can't stand to see you fight.

The muffled sound of yelling,
and of his foot meeting your head,
is the perfect soundtrack for this night,
as I lay here, silent in my bed

It's good that I hear you screaming,
the sound like so many nights before.
The song I hate most, stuck on repeat,
but not for one single night more.

I'll do this thing for both of you,
I'll do it to set you both free.
No longer will you fight each other,
over stupid little old me.

The pills are taking hold now,
I'm trying so hard not to cry.
I keep thinking of your smiling face,
and it's hard to say goodbye.

I think I'm starting to drift off now,
you are sounding further and further away.
I just want you to know that I love you,
and that now you can finally be okay.

On your Wedding Day

I wish you all the best,
on this, your wedding day.
I hope that love, joy and happiness,
will always come your way.

The two of you are bound,
by the promises you have made.
In the eyes of God you joined as one,
with love that can never fade.

Being married wont be easy,
and it might not always be fun.
When it's hard just remember,
when you met, and found the one.

Together you will be tested,
but there will be many good times too.
Always let understanding and compassion,
guide the things you say and do.

A long and happy life together,
stretches out at both your feet.
Based on all you have achieved so far,
I'm sure there is no challenge you can't beat.

When, still standing side by side,
you both are old and grey,
I hope your love it just as strong,
as on this, your wedding day.