Thursday, 28 January 2016

This Shadow Life: Distance

One of my nans is pretty unwell at the moment. She is stable, but no one really knows .how much time she has left. She is my mum's mum and she has been sick for a while now (as if that makes it easier).
It's been really hard for the whole family, but mostly it's been really hard on my mum. My mum is superwoman. She is one of those mums who would do anything for you and because she is a nurse, so much of my nans care has fallen into mum's lap.

I have never been close to my nan. It's probably because in many ways I am a lot like her. We are both stubborn, strict, maybe a little arrogant, and definitely not renowned for having a great deal of tact. And even though we have some great things in common, like that we both enjoy writing and painting, we have never been close. We have always managed to clash. That's not to say that we don't love each other, but there has just always been a distance. She was never a fun nan.
But now she is sick and probably doesn't have a whole lot of time left and the cold part of me that has experienced death so many times before just wants to pull back even further to keep myself safe, to start creating the distance between us so it won't hurt so much when she is gone. But the human part of me wants to get closer. In the typical folly of youth, I have never asked my nan about her life and she has lived a huge life. She has travelled and worked and raised four kids and held together an imperfect marriage.
Some part of me feels like it would be wrong for me to do this now. Why should I get to care about her now when I haven't cared for the last two and a half decades.
I feel like either way I go I'm taking the coward's way out. Like I shouldn't get to make myself feel better by getting to know her now.
I don't know what to do. :/

1 comment:

  1. Im so curious about how this one would turn out. time to order, i guess! great post.