Losing my religion...

I identify as a creative person. I always have. If you ask me, I am someone who draws and writes and paints and sings. I say these things even now, when I have come to a point in my life where these are things I never really make time to do.
Drawing and painting has gone from being a peaceful, joyous, enjoyable activity to something that stresses me out so much that I can't even start something let alone finish. I'm certain that this is a product of my insecurities and need to overachieve in everything. I feel the pressure of performing. I'm too old to draw terribly. I start a drawing and think it's great, but then I can't finish because what if on that last pencil stroke I make a mistake and ruin the whole thing. Insecurity. Imperfection. I fail before I even start.
My blog is testament to how little I write at the moment. I still keep a diary and I write in it most days. It's not creative writing. It's not poetry. But I tell myself that that's better than nothing. I read and tell myself that it's almost as good as writing something myself. I feel so uninspired. My life is so the same. So stable. What is there to write about at this point? I've seen it all before. Uninspired. I don't know how to start.
The only thing I still do is sing in the car...but even that is being replaced by listening to podcasts...A more grownup use of my time. Or something.

I'm losing the will to make time to do things that are a huge part of how I define myself as a person...
Is this depression again? Am I changing as a person? Or do I just need to shake up my life and do something inspiring?

We laugh, we cry,
we fall in love.
We may fall down,
but we get up tough.

Welcome to 2017

The last few years have been pretty average. Things haven't gone super well for me or my family, but 2017 was supposed to be different. Things were supposed to get better. I wasn't asking for a perfect year, but no major disasters would have been nice. 

It's only the 8th of January and already my super health conscious uncle has had a stroke and my nans alzheimers has gotten so bad that she needs to be moved into a home. 

2017 had better get its act together real soon or we are going to have some problems. :/

On the plus side I am sticking to my resolution to write more. So hopefully I'll have some new stuff to put on here soon. :)

Overwhelmed

Recovering from my fight with a lawnmower was never going to be easy. I have worked so so hard to be positive and strong for everyone. Downplayed every problem and setback. Stayed positive in the face of every unknown.
Recently it's been getting harder though. I feel like the number of people I can turn to for help is getting smaller all the time as people go back to their own lives. Meanwhile, the things I have to deal with are piling up.
There are so many things I have to do. Physio to get mobility back in my arm, massages and ointment and pressure garments to minimise all the scarring, foods to eat to help me heal, doctors to see, bandages to manage. And on top of that I have to look after horses and dogs and chickens because mum is away looking after my nan who could die any day now. It's just too much. I have been getting so dangerously close to the limit of what I can deal with without losing it.

Fortunately my internal stitches are being well behaved at the moment or I think I would have lost it already.
I just feel like I am so alone...

It's good to have a place to vent though. Now I can go back to being tough and positive for a bit longer...

The Time I Tried to Fight a Lawnmower

So I haven't been super active on here in a really long time and for once I actually have a really good reason. I had a bit of a run-in with a running ride-on lawnmower. The thing flipped over on me when I was mowing in the paddock. I fared better than many and walked away with all my limbs and digits still attached, but it wasn't fun. I had to have surgery to fix lacerations on my legs and arm and it's taken over a month for me to regain enough mobility to get up and walk around on my own and be a bit independent.

I'm not complaining though, I really have been very lucky to have everything fixed up with no major infection or long term damage. Plus there's the fact that my parents have been incredible. My dad took weeks off work to stay with me every minute of every day that I was recovering in hospital and at home. My mum made sure I got the very best care and looked after my injuries when I was discharged from hospital (she's a nurse). I'm so so grateful for all of it.

It's not over yet and I still have a long way to go with my recovery, but I'm well enough now that I
can at least come on here and type away without too much discomfort. Hopefully that will help fill the days and I won't be so lonely. :]

Danny

This Shadow Life: Distance

One of my nans is pretty unwell at the moment. She is stable, but no one really knows .how much time she has left. She is my mum's mum and she has been sick for a while now (as if that makes it easier).
It's been really hard for the whole family, but mostly it's been really hard on my mum. My mum is superwoman. She is one of those mums who would do anything for you and because she is a nurse, so much of my nans care has fallen into mum's lap.

I have never been close to my nan. It's probably because in many ways I am a lot like her. We are both stubborn, strict, maybe a little arrogant, and definitely not renowned for having a great deal of tact. And even though we have some great things in common, like that we both enjoy writing and painting, we have never been close. We have always managed to clash. That's not to say that we don't love each other, but there has just always been a distance. She was never a fun nan.
But now she is sick and probably doesn't have a whole lot of time left and the cold part of me that has experienced death so many times before just wants to pull back even further to keep myself safe, to start creating the distance between us so it won't hurt so much when she is gone. But the human part of me wants to get closer. In the typical folly of youth, I have never asked my nan about her life and she has lived a huge life. She has travelled and worked and raised four kids and held together an imperfect marriage.
Some part of me feels like it would be wrong for me to do this now. Why should I get to care about her now when I haven't cared for the last two and a half decades.
I feel like either way I go I'm taking the coward's way out. Like I shouldn't get to make myself feel better by getting to know her now.
I don't know what to do. :/

A Perfect Moment

Your heart is beating faster,
the music is playing slow,
But then her hand is in your hand,
and that's all you need to know.

Her smile says "I love you"'
and her heart welcomes you home.
With a kiss you make a promise,
to never leave her alone.

You promise health and sickness,
and love till the end of your years.
You promise support and trust,
through both happiness and tears.

Rose petals are falling,
in her hair and on your shoulder.
But the crowd is miles away,
the world is silent when you hold her.

Her lips are tight against yours,
you feel her smiling as you kiss,
Though you can't wait for the future,
you wish you could stay here, just like this.

Destroying myself

Sometimes I can't help but wonder,
what I am doing with my life.
I look back on decisions I have made,
and can't even remember why.

Why I decided I'd stop loving you,
why I decided you needed to go.
Why I broke your heart the way I did,
when you didn't want to let go.

I wonder why I thought I'd be better,
facing the world on my own.
Than living deep in your loving heart,
where you had always made me at home.

I wonder if it was something you did,
or if I just got bored, like I do.
I wonder if it was all in my head,
or if it had something to do with you.

It's been so long I can't remember the reasons,
I had for breaking your heart that day.
The reasons I coldly ignored you,
when you begged me just to stay.

Things that make me happy.

This is a post about good things. Things that make me happy even when I am lost in the darkest parts of my mind. It's something I started working on a long time ago, but I never got around to finishing it until now. And now I need to finish it. I need to finish it because right now I am completely lost in the pitch dark nothingness that makes me who I am.
So, I need to remind myself that it's possible for me to be happy.

A little while back a friend of mine asked me to write a guest post for her blog of all the things that make me happy. Initially I thought this would be the easiest thing in the world. I mean, I know what makes me happy right?
Turns out no. The first list went something like this.

1. Books. New books, old books, second hand books, any books
2. Piercings and tattoos.
3. Tea
4. Music
5. My family and my pets
6. Late night adventures with my friends
7. Stepping on crunchy leaves
8. Rain. Both when I am walking in it and when I'm inside listening to it. 
9. Having pretty coloured nails and awesome eyeliner
10. Sleeping

The more I thought about it though, the more I realised that these things don't really make me all that happy.
The destructive hyper-energy I feel when I'm listening to really great heavy metal and rock music where the people scream so I don't have to isn't actually happiness.

The peace I feel walking on my own at night is actually much closer to despair the more I think about it. 

There are also things that make me smile, or things that I enjoy, but they aren't necessarily things that make me happy. 

After a lot more thought and close examination of my life, I think I came up with a pretty good list. Check it out here :]

Moonlight

The moon is biggest,
when it's close to the ground.
Your love says the most,
when you make not a sound.

Your kisses are liquid,
when they're warm in my hand.
Your goodbye meant the most,
when it really was the end.

The rain is softest,
when it falls on your grave.
My heart beats broken,
with the life I couldn't save.

Your memory lives on,
as the blood in my veins.
We dance in the moonlight,
now your heart's free of pain.

Moving On

So things have been really busy for me recently and I haven't had as much time to blog as I would like. There has been illness, death, more illness, unplanned puppies, packing, moving house, work and a whole range of other stuff.
To say that it has been a stressful time would be a pretty huge understatement. I have been totally overwhelmed and close to tears on number of occasions. Moving out was a really huge deal because I have always been really close to my parents and my family and it's going to be really hard to be so far away from them.
Plus there is the fact that I don't have internet in my new house for FOUR more days!!
I'm not sure if I can survive without internet for that long. I'm stealing work internet just so that I can write this post! (Shhh. Don't tell anyone.) How am I supposed to pay bills and buy things late at night on an impulse or binge watch netflix?? *sigh*

So anyway. I got a little off track there complaining about my lack of internet. The point of this post is that things have been pretty rubbish and stressful but now I have moved to Sydney I'm trying to use it as an opportunity to make a fresh start.

So here are the things I am going to do. These are kind of promises that I am making to myself so that I don't forget what this move represents.
I am going to walk my dogs every day and get healthy.
I am going to keep my room and my house clean. 
I am going to go out and see people and make new friends. 
I'm going to get motivated at work and get a promotion. 
I am going to write more blog posts and keep you all updated on my adventures.
I am going to finish my whispers in the night series. 

And then

Last but not least.

I am going to write a novel.

:]

I'm going to do it. It's going to be awesome. And I am going to post all about it on here as I go through all the highs and lows.


So here's to starting fresh and making the decision to chase after the things that I want from life. :]

Wish me luck.

Growing Up

The pressure of adoration.
The pressure of your trust.
The pressure to keep on going,
when dreams have died and turned to dust.

I know you say you love me,
but I don't know if that's really true.
I think that some place in your heart,
I'm still just a little girl to you.

I don't blame you for hanging on,
for not wanting to let her go.
But I don't know how to keep living,
in the weight of her perfect shadow.

I feel like a disappointment,
for outgrowing the girl that you knew.
I feel like every step towards finding myself,
is a step taking me further from you.