For the Love of Music.

I recently got to talking with one of my friends about the kinds of music that we each like.
I don't know about you, but for me this is a crucial and exciting time. You get to find out what music you have in common, as well as possibly enter into new realms of music you might never have discovered on your own.
We decided to each make a playlist, not of our favourite songs, but of the songs we are obsessed with at the moment. The ones we each keep playing over and over until our ears bleed. :]

I made the playlist. It's super weird and varied, but honestly I am obsessed with every song on there. They are the ones that have me singing and jamming in my car at the red lights.
They are the ones that have my crying.
They are the ones that have me serenading the guy in the car next to me, and the ones that have the people in the car in front of me roaring with laughter at my outrageous seated dance moves. (you might have guessed I listen to music in the car a lot).

Anyway. I figured that I should post it here for you lovely people too.
Some of the song have gotten me through the darkest parts of my life, and they are songs that I will always be obsessed with, others are just flipping awesome.

So if you have some extra time, click here to have a listen....

This Shadow Life - Enjoy Something Beautiful

Hi everyone.
Life has been super busy for me at the moment. I am working long hours and writing and thinking about writing and trying to figure out how to use Scrivener, as well as doing all the normal life stuff like sleeping and remembering to feed my dogs.
Not to worry though. That's just the way life is sometimes I guess. It's better to be busy than bored. Bored leaves space for depression.

Anyway. I wanted to do a post about one of my favourite artists. Victoria Frances.
I have been following her work for years and honestly the way her work is both beautiful and kind of dark has always been a great comfort to me.

I guess this is more of a lifestyle piece than what I normally do but oh well. I was thinking about it recently and I decided that not enough people seem to know about Victoria Frances and how awesome her work is.

I have included some of my favourites here, but there are tonnes more on her website. Check them out here.

I really like this first one. Some of my friends say that it looks like me, and I think that's awesome coz this chick is hot. ;]

The pictures have this weird ethereal quality to them that I really like.

And then there are just the ones that are super cute and weird and flipping awesome.

I actually have some of her work around my house. They are really pretty and different and always great for conversation. :]

Myself and I

Childish glee
stunted growth
turned into a woman
before the right time.

Broken heart
long lost mind
who to become
is hard to find.

Pleasing lovers
teddy bear friend
long nights drinking
days playing pretend.

Professional job
silly faces
high heel shoes
skipping places.

Push up bra
frilly socks
secrets spilled
diary locks.

Lipstick smiles
ribbons in hair
broken in half
by life so unfair.

Conflicting people
forced into one
woman in love
girl on the run.

Soundtrack of my Suicide 2

I stand upon the cliff top,
no one else around.
It's peaceful in this quiet,
of never ending sound.

The waves below on rock break,
like my heart upon the floor.
Though you left me darling
I'll be yours for ever more.

I hear the words playing over,
and over inside my head.
The doctor saying "stillborn"
and knowing I was dead.

You never saw the world love,
or took a single breath.
You dragged me down with you,
I died the instant of your death.

I felt your tiny soul leaving,
It ripped straight through my heart.
You left me with naught but rubble.
You tore all that I am apart.

I remember your father crying,
but no sound did I make.
There was nothing left inside me.
There was nothing left to break.

I know I could have another,
a baby boy or girl someday.
But how could I ever forgive them for living,
when you were taken away?

This empty feeling inside,
the hole where you used to be.
Its spreading slowly outwards.
It's taking over me.

Just one more step to take now,
off the edge of solid earth.
one short flight to freedom,
all I have wanted since your birth.

I can hear the wind crying,
just like you should have done.
Ocean spray mixed with tears,
I cry for you, my only son.

I didn't say goodbye,
to anyone I have known.
I'm not really leaving them,
I'm just finally coming home.

I'm sorry to leave your father,
but maybe he will come too.
We can be a family again,
as long as we are with you.

One foot over nothing,
about to take the fall.
About to come and find you,
in exchange for losing it all.

But really what am I losing?
There is nothing without you.
No one will understand, I know,
but this is what I need to do.

The wind is still howling around me,
the ocean spray still on my face.
I hear this music of screaming silence,
as I step into your embrace.

Horse Drawing

The other day I got really bored of feeling useless so I picked up a pencil and started to draw. 

Drawing is a great way of letting some creativity and emotion out and feeling good when you have a finished product.

Even just drawing scribbles is better than feeling rubbish. 

I'm pretty proud of this horse that I drew from a photo on my iPhone. :)

I haven't drawn horses in years. 

What do you think? Can you tell that it's a horse? Lol 

Wish You Were Here - Three Instalments Finished

Breaking Down

"Come on Danni! What are you just standing there for?" Cassy cried over her shoulder. 

Dragging her eyes back into focus, Danni watched the other girl run off along the asphalt. Knowing that her continued silence would only attract more attention, more questions, she began to run too, laughing breathlessly as she went. Breathless laughing was easy, casual, something that didn't sound as false as her normal laughter.
The bright colours and noises of the school fate streamed around them, but Danni hardly noticed. Cassy was probably running towards some kind of attraction, but nothing really stood out to Danni. It all looked the same so she just followed blindly and prepared to act excited wherever they arrived next.

The two girls skidded around people and clowns and corners into the cool air of a deserted classroom. Cassy stopped and turned to face Danni. Her mouth pulled into a thin line. Danni recognised determination in the set of Cassy's mouth, but it didn't reach all the way to her eyes. Her eyes were soft. Danni thought that the softness might be worry, but emotions seemed harder to understand at the moment. It was like she had forgotten how to read them as well as how to feel them.
Putting it all together, the secluded spot, the hard mouth, the soft eyes, the hands held out the same way people do when approaching a frightened animal, Danni finally realised what was going on. She turned away quickly and began to feign interest in the room they had just entered. Paintings surrounded her. Brilliant, an art room, lots of easy conversation there. 

The shapes in the pictures meant nothing to her. They might have been happy people or dead puppies for all she knew. Normally she wouldn't have taken such a risk, but desperate as she was to avoid the approaching conversation, she randomly gestured to one and said, "Wow, isn't that pretty? God I'd love to be that talented. Wouldn't y-"

"Shut up Danni," Cassy snapped, "You can't keep running from this. You can't keep running from me. We have to talk about it, whatever it is, so stop trying to distract me because it isn't going to work. Not this time.  "

With a mental sigh Danni turned to face her former best friend.

"What do you want Cassy?"

"I want you to talk to me"

"That's what we are doing. That's what we always do. I'm pretty sure we have used up all the words in the English language at this point," Danni spat 

"You know that's not what I mean," Cassy coaxed, "we need to talk about what happened. I can see what it's been doing to you. Do you think you fooled me with those weird smiles. They are like someone put fish hooks through each corner of your mouth and they just  pull up when it seems like you should be smiling. It's creepy. It's been like talking to a robot that has been programmed to act like you. It's like you aren't really there any more. I know you are doing your best, but maybe the fake-it-till-you-make-it approach isn't working. Maybe you need to talk about it. Maybe you need to get it all out and cry, so that then you can start to feel better and get back to your self."

"Wow. What a great little speech. How long have you been rehearsing that one Cass?" Danni sneered back. 

Contempt was easy. Cassy had once been her best friend and Danni would never have spoken to her so harshly, but who knew what she was now. Danni had recently realised that she didn't really care about Cassy any more. However, she didn't really know what to make of that because she didn't care about anyone else either. She didn't really care about anything at all. 

"So what if I rehearsed it? I have been worried about you!" Cassy cried.

"Save it for someone who cares."

Cassy's eyes tightened slightly as the words sunk in, but she spoke like Danni hadn't said anything, "What happened at the party Danni?"
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Danni, you need to talk about it. I was reading about how letting it out can help. You know, like sharing the burden."
"Of course  you read up about it, you little nerd." Danni laughed, "Typical Cassy. You think you can solve everything for everyone with your precious books. I'm not some project for you to fix up and get a pat on the back from some teacher."
As tears welled in Cassy's eyes, Danni knew she had hit below the belt but she was way past caring.
In a tiny whisper Cassy replied, "It's not like that and you know it. I'm just trying to help you. Why wont you let me?"
"Because it's none of  your damn business you nosy little idiot. Now get out of my way. I'm leaving," Danni yelled.
As she stormed out of the room, Danni thought she saw the tears spill down Cassy's cheek as her final words hit home, but she didn't look back to find out.

Counting

Walking home in the afternoon heat, Danni knew she should be thinking about her fight with Cassy. She should probably even be upset about it and coming up with ways to make it better. Instead she was concentrating on putting one dusty shoe in the front of the other and counting each step.
Ninety-seven. Ninety-eight.
It had taken two thousand and five steps to get home from school on Friday.
One hundred and nine. One hundred and ten.
As part of some stupid personal mission,she was concentrating on lengthening each step by the slightest margin in an attempt to make the walk from the school gate to her front door in exactly two thousand steps.
One hundred and twenty-four.
Though she was determined to achieve her goal, Danni was actually kind of worried about what she would do if she ever achieved it. What would she concentrate on when waking home the next day?
One hundred and thirty-three. One hundred and thirty-four.
She shuddered at the thought of having nothing but her own inner monologue for company. Nothing would be worse.
One hundred and fifty. One hundred and fifty-one. One hundred and fifty-two.

One thousand nine hundred and eighty-six. One thousand nine hundred and eighty-seven.
Pausing for a moment on the footpath outsider her house, Danni could already tell that she had done it. After weeks of trying, she had gotten the steps exactly right. Just thirteen more steps and she would be nose to nose with her front door. Then what would she do?

One thousand nine hundred and eighty-eight.
Her concentration started to slip.

One thousand nine hundred and eighty-nine.
Her fingers began to tremble.

One thousand nine hundred and ninety.
Sweat started to bead on her upper lip.

One thousand nine hundred and ninety-one.
Somehow the air got thinner. Lungs working in overtime, Danni struggled to draw enough air to keep breathing.

One thousand nine hundred and ninety-two.
The pressure in her head started building, throbbing with each accelerated heart beat.
"No, no, NO! Get a grip Danni!" she encouraged herself, "Come on, pull yourself together!"

One thousand nine hundred and ninety-three.
Trying to stay calm she attempted to swallow down her fear. Her parched and swollen tongue
stuck to the roof of her mouth and threatened to choke her instead.

One thousand nine hundred and ninety-four.
She found the bottle in her bag just in time to slosh some water into her mouth and unstick her tongue. The cool water felt nice to her overheated body so she took another swig.

One thousand nine hundred and ninety-five.
The water in her stomach churned. Nausea rushed back at her and twisted her stomach in knots. Thinking of how some people describe butterflies in their stomach she laughed. This felt more like a python rolling and twisting and knotting painfully as it tried to find some way of escaping.

One thousand nine hundred and ninety-six.
As the snake rolled in the pit of her stomach the chill set in. Sweat froze into goosebumps, teeth chattered, and she began to shiver.

One thousand nine hundred and ninety-seven.
Her back started aching and she realised that she had been holding her body so tense that she was beginning to tremble as well as shiver. Her muscles and skin both twitching and shaking pulling away from each other. Tremors cracking her apart.

One thousand nine hundred and ninety-eight.
Unable to hold the pieces of herself together she felt it creeping in.

One thousand nine hundred and ninety-nine.
Quietly through the cracks in her mind, the broken record of her inner monologue began to play.

Two thousand....

Quiet Storm 

The rest of this story has been moved to Wattpad because this post was getting insanely long.
You can read it here


This post is getting too long and annoying so I am going to continue writing it on my Wattpad account where you can see it one chapter at a time, rather than just one long stretch. 
I don't know if you might have to be a member of Wattpad in order to read it...that would be sad. If that's the case and you don't want to sign up, then just let me know and I will email the chapters to you or something. 

I will continue to update the title of this post though so that if you are on G+ you can see at a glance if there is a new chapter for you to read. 

Tall Dark and Handsome

In life, the path we walk is dark and treacherous. We grope our way forward moment by moment, trying not to stumble. Trying not to fall off the edge of the path altogether.
Like veins and capillaries, the path branches off towards a million different lives we could lead. Twists and turns hide the road ahead but we are pushed forwards by our pumping hearts. We have split seconds to make decisions, right or left, straight or up or down, before it is lost and fading away into the blackness behind us. If we stop, we clot.
Jenny has stopped. She is standing at a fork in her path. One man stands to the right and another to the left. Both men tall, dark, and handsome. She knows these men, their paths have wound through hers for years, crossing, running together for a while, splitting apart once again. Weaving in and out, a tapestry of friendship.
Now they are here. Both at once, but pulling her life apart. She must chose. One or the other. Left or right. Up or down. No third option of coexistence. No choice but to choose.

To one side is a childhood friend. When he hugs her she only reaches his shoulder. He is tall, tall the way Jenny likes a man to be. Tall and broad and strong. Strong enough to hold her, to protect her, to restrain her. When he smiles, his dark eyes shine. His dark hair flies in the wind as he runs. When they kiss the dark stubble scratches her face. He is dark, but he is light. He is obviously beautiful, obviously joyful, obviously good. He makes her laugh and tried his best to please her. He is polite and makes her family happy. He is handsome.

To the other side is a strange man. Not a stranger but still strange. Though he isn't much taller than Jenny, he seems to take up far to much space in her mind. He is tall, tall from within. Jenny met him in darkness. Figurative and literal darkness. In the sorrow of her life he came like a shadow of a man. He is dark. He is weird. He makes her uncomfortable. He makes her laugh. And when she makes him smile he is beautiful. He tells her things she doesn't need to hear, calls her out when she is full of it. He doesn't try to heard to please her, and that pleases her. When they fuck he leaves bruises. He is not the kind of man Jenny would ever introduce to anyone. He is challenging and passionate and consuming, but not right for her on the surface. He is handsome.

Which one to chose? Which path to take? Which life to follow? Jenny looks from one to the other. She can see them, but she cant see past them to the life they will give her. Who to take a chance on? If she kissed them again would she know who it is that she needs in her life?
Taking a deep breath, Jenny decides. In her beating heart she knows who she needs.
Stepping forward and to the right, she takes a warm firm hand in her own and is swept once more down life's path, moving more surely now that she has someone to hold.