Planning or Pantsing?

Planning or pantsing? That is the question.
As I mentioned in my last post, I am determined to write a novel this year and right now I am well and truly caught up in the 'How' debate.

I have had this long standing superstition that the ability to write something great is directly related to the medium used. Like if I find the perfect note book I will somehow be more able to write the perfect novel. It's ridiculous, I know, but that doesn't stop me walking into every stationary store that I see.
This long standing theory of mine has led me well and truly down the rabbit hole in all questions regarding how to write a novel. Do I want to write in ink on paper or type on the computer? Do I want to follow some kind of guideline or book and plan it all out (Planning) or do I just sit at my computer and start typing (Pantsing)? How will each of these methods assist and restrict my ability to write when and where I want to write? If I opt for paper, how will I keep it all organised? If I opt for computer will I need to buy some kind of software package to help me along the way?

There are so many different options and so many different opinions, but what works for someone else might not work for me. It's crazy.
Who knew there were so many different ways to write a book? I sure as hell didn't.

After a lot of research I think I am going to do a bit of planning first just because at the moment I feel totally overwhelmed by the whole process, and some structure might help.

Now I just have to decide how I'm going to do it.
There are tonnes of different software packages designed to help writers organise their thoughts and research and character profiles and things. I have used Scrivener before and really enjoyed it, but it was a little confusing and time consuming to figure out. Plus these things tie you to one computer and I like the idea of working anywhere. They also cost money, even if they do usually offer a free trial, and I have always kind of felt like I write better with just a pen and some paper.

So. Pen and paper it is then.
Now, originally I thought I would want to write in a really beautiful note book that I could carry around with me all the time. Now I'm not so sure because obviously I will need multiple note books and how will I keep it all organised? I'm going to be all over the place at the start, sometimes working on character profiles, sometimes on plot problems. It seems really organic and awesome to just work on it all as it comes, but I can't imagine that I will be super happy when I start actually writing and have to sort through it all to find certain bits and pieces of information.

So now I don't really know what to do.

*sigh*
I just wanna write a book...  :/

Suggestions from anyone who has been here before would be greatly appreciated. :[

Moving On

So things have been really busy for me recently and I haven't had as much time to blog as I would like. There has been illness, death, more illness, unplanned puppies, packing, moving house, work and a whole range of other stuff.
To say that it has been a stressful time would be a pretty huge understatement. I have been totally overwhelmed and close to tears on number of occasions. Moving out was a really huge deal because I have always been really close to my parents and my family and it's going to be really hard to be so far away from them.
Plus there is the fact that I don't have internet in my new house for FOUR more days!!
I'm not sure if I can survive without internet for that long. I'm stealing work internet just so that I can write this post! (Shhh. Don't tell anyone.) How am I supposed to pay bills and buy things late at night on an impulse or binge watch netflix?? *sigh*

So anyway. I got a little off track there complaining about my lack of internet. The point of this post is that things have been pretty rubbish and stressful but now I have moved to Sydney I'm trying to use it as an opportunity to make a fresh start.

So here are the things I am going to do. These are kind of promises that I am making to myself so that I don't forget what this move represents.
I am going to walk my dogs every day and get healthy.
I am going to keep my room and my house clean. 
I am going to go out and see people and make new friends. 
I'm going to get motivated at work and get a promotion. 
I am going to write more blog posts and keep you all updated on my adventures.
I am going to finish my whispers in the night series. 

And then

Last but not least.

I am going to write a novel.

:]

I'm going to do it. It's going to be awesome. And I am going to post all about it on here as I go through all the highs and lows.


So here's to starting fresh and making the decision to chase after the things that I want from life. :]

Wish me luck.

Addiction

Protect me from myself,

Save my heart from its addiction. 

Paint over my very soul,

With the colour of your prescription. 

XV VI

Today I went to my grandfather's funeral. 

Today in 2007 one of the ones I love most died in my arms. 

Today sucked. 

:[

That Other Girl

When you look in the mirror,
are you the only one you ever see?
Sometimes I look and see a face,
that doesn't belong to me.

Dead eyes and a sarcastic smile,
lank hair and bleeding wrists,
She is a vine through my soul,
that kills me as she twists.

When I cough and choke on nothing,
she is breathing under water.
When I'm alive she tries to kill me,
a self inflicted slaughter.

She is a lurking presence in the dark,
the reason I cry when I'm asleep.
She is the twisted broken half of me,
and a secret that I must keep.

She is the one that trips me up,
and never gives me a moment to rest.
She is the reason I broke your heart,
when you just did you best.

She is the current dragging me under,
the silence that makes me scream.
She is the empty hole inside me,
the doubt that kills my self esteem.

She is the part of me that broke,
under the weight of death and despair.
She is the part that keeps me running,
when my lungs cry out for air.

We are one but not the same,
she is the dark and I'm the light.
So how can I hope to survive,
when part of me will always lose the fight?

Give Me Love

Though the night has never been darker,
my eyes are filled with stars.
Though the air is frozen around me,
my heart is warm with the fire of Mars.

The god of war fights a raging battle,
of my heart against my mind.
The desire to keep on loving you,
versus the need to leave you behind.

With our promises kept like secrets,
and all my secrets spilled like lies.
I still need your arms around me,
but I'm wrapped up in empty skies.

Pinprick stars are hope still held,
the bright moon is the mistake I can't ignore.
My faith in our future ruined,
by all the times we broke before.

There were the times that I broke you,
and the times we broke each other.
But also the sweet lingers tingle,
of the night you first became my lover.

So how can I let go,
of the soft need within your kiss,
or the way you stole my breath,
when my name fell from your lips?

I still need your love, like I needed you,
right from the very start.
So give me all the love you have,
in every little piece of your broken heart.

This Shadow Life - What Hurts the Most

Losing someone you love is hard. It is certainly the most painful thing I have ever endured. Agony is the word that come to mind. But over the years I have found that the people generally misunderstand what it is that hurts so much.

For me, watching someone I loved suffer through excruciatingly painful illness was awful, but it wasn't the hardest part.
Cradling him as the light faded from his eyes felt like having by heart torn from my chest and my soul ripped apart by wolves, but even that wasn't the hardest part.
Seeing the fresh patch of dirt over his body that would keep us apart forever felt like warm sunshine compared to what came next, because what came next was and still is the hardest part.

The thing is, in those awful moments of seeing him hurt and watching him die there was pain, so much pain, but it was just the pain of that moment. When he was sick I wasn't thinking of watching him die. When he died I didn't think of how it hurt when he was sick. However, once that immediate pain was over I was able to feel every moment of pain and happiness and love in an overwhelming rush.
The hardest part of losing someone that I love, the part that hurt the most, was the knife being plunged into my chest every moment of every day afterwards when I realised that he was gone. It was the pain of loving him and seeing him suffer and watching him die and kneeling in the dirt of his grave all rolled into one split second of realisation that tore me apart over and over and over again a million times each day.

I was haunted by him and every moment that we shared together. Every place we went punched me in the stomach, and every face that reminded me of him made me smile for a second before it killed me.

New places were just as painful. Every new experience or place was tarnished by the fact that he wasn't there with me. I am still tortured by all the places he should have been and all the things we should have done together.

Then there are all the times I forget for an instant that he is gone. When I wake up in the morning and my mind tricks me into believing that he will be waiting for me where we used to meet. Then I open my eyes and the truth rushes in and the pain of it all leaves me curled in a ball and shivering.

When he died the world became much smaller and much colder. Each day I had to try and live my life while navigating a minefield. Every step risked an explosion that would destroy me, every glance risked seeing something that would kill me all over again.

About a year after he died I thought I was doing better. I felt stronger and more relaxed because I felt that after a year I had set off all the landmines because I had been all the places and seen all the things that were going to hurt me. I could once again walk comfortably through the world. Then I went camping for a week with a bunch of friends and someone got sick with the same illness that had destroyed my life nearly a year previously. In an instant the pain flooded back and I found myself blown to smithereens just when I thought I was safe.

It's been years since the initial loss, but I still feel it every day and although things are definitely better now I still step on the occasional landmine and fall to pieces as all that pain rushes back in on me.
What makes it even harder is that I am often completely alone. No one seems to understand that I am still dealing with the worst part of the whole experience. They think that because he died so long ago I should be starting to feel better, and in some ways that's true, but time means nothing when it comes to pain and loss and love. When I breakdown for no apparent reason, no one wants to hear that it's because of him. Everyone else has moved on so they seem to think I should too.

Sometimes I wish someone else understood what it is like to be fine one moment and then reliving all the best and worst moments of your life in the next. I wish someone could tell me that they too have totally lost it over the most seemingly innocent thing because it brought all the memories crashing back. Sometimes I wish someone would tell me that it's okay to still fall to ruins after seven years. No one seems to understand that it still isn't over for me, and it probably never will be...