I'll lock myself away and scream into the dark Turn the music louder so I can't hear my heart.

Ebb and Flow

Some days I feel like a person. Some days I feel like the last 9 years have meant something. Like I have progressed in some meaningful way. Some days I feel like the years have allowed some kind of healing in my heart.

Then there are the days like today. Today it might as well be 2007. Today I am the same girl who sat in the dark in my room with the door locked and music screaming watching the blood drip from my arm. Today I am not the person I have fought so hard to become. Today I am that broken mess of a girl that I used to be.

I hate that this person, this weakness, is still in me. I hate that I can fight for years to be better, to be happy. And in a second it can all just disappear.
I know it will be better tomorrow. I know tomorrow I will wake up fresh and put all the pieces back together again. But that's small comfort right now. Right now, even though I know that this night can't escape tomorrow, the sun coming up seems so impossibly far away.

And what's worse is that there is no one I can talk to. I don't have much in the way of friends. And the guy I am sleeping with isn't really into me. He just does me 'cause I'm there and willing. Plus, there is no point alarming anyone because I'm not going to do anything and tomorrow I'll make myself be fine again. So I come on here to write a post that no one will read because this is the only way I can get all this stuff safely out of my brain.

Why do I have to live like this? Is everyone else this miserable and they just keep it locked away like I do? Or am I as alone as I feel?

I just can't even

Patch up the cracks

unbreak the stone

even living in ruins

beats being alone.

Overwhelmed

Recovering from my fight with a lawnmower was never going to be easy. I have worked so so hard to be positive and strong for everyone. Downplayed every problem and setback. Stayed positive in the face of every unknown.
Recently it's been getting harder though. I feel like the number of people I can turn to for help is getting smaller all the time as people go back to their own lives. Meanwhile, the things I have to deal with are piling up.
There are so many things I have to do. Physio to get mobility back in my arm, massages and ointment and pressure garments to minimise all the scarring, foods to eat to help me heal, doctors to see, bandages to manage. And on top of that I have to look after horses and dogs and chickens because mum is away looking after my nan who could die any day now. It's just too much. I have been getting so dangerously close to the limit of what I can deal with without losing it.

Fortunately my internal stitches are being well behaved at the moment or I think I would have lost it already.
I just feel like I am so alone...

It's good to have a place to vent though. Now I can go back to being tough and positive for a bit longer...

Small Bumps...

As I mentioned in my last post, I recently flipped a lawnmower on myself and got a couple of pretty impressive cuts. My recovery so far has been incredibly good. I have been very very lucky.
That's not to say that things have gone perfectly though, so I'm going to take this opportunity to complain about the few small bumps I have experienced.

The problem has been with the internal stitches. There are probably about 100 stitches beneath my skin holding all the muscle and tendons together. I thought these stitches would be the kind that dissolve after a while, but it turns out that's not the case. They are made of this spiky fishing line kind of material.
So far two of the stupid things have caused me problems by pressing up against my skin from underneath. Fortunately I have had help from some incredible medical professionals who have done their best to get me fixed up, but I'm not convinced that it's all over yet. One of the spots where the stitch had to be cut out still hasn't healed, which might mean that the wound specialist has to go in and cut something else out.
What makes it worse is that it's entirely possible that there will be more stitches that cause problems in the future. :[

The Time I Tried to Fight a Lawnmower

So I haven't been super active on here in a really long time and for once I actually have a really good reason. I had a bit of a run-in with a running ride-on lawnmower. The thing flipped over on me when I was mowing in the paddock. I fared better than many and walked away with all my limbs and digits still attached, but it wasn't fun. I had to have surgery to fix lacerations on my legs and arm and it's taken over a month for me to regain enough mobility to get up and walk around on my own and be a bit independent.

I'm not complaining though, I really have been very lucky to have everything fixed up with no major infection or long term damage. Plus there's the fact that my parents have been incredible. My dad took weeks off work to stay with me every minute of every day that I was recovering in hospital and at home. My mum made sure I got the very best care and looked after my injuries when I was discharged from hospital (she's a nurse). I'm so so grateful for all of it.

It's not over yet and I still have a long way to go with my recovery, but I'm well enough now that I
can at least come on here and type away without too much discomfort. Hopefully that will help fill the days and I won't be so lonely. :]

Danny