Destroying myself

Sometimes I can't help but wonder,
what I am doing with my life.
I look back on decisions I have made,
and can't even remember why.

Why I decided I'd stop loving you,
why I decided you needed to go.
Why I broke your heart the way I did,
when you didn't want to let go.

I wonder why I thought I'd be better,
facing the world on my own.
Than living deep in your loving heart,
where you had always made me at home.

I wonder if it was something you did,
or if I just got bored, like I do.
I wonder if it was all in my head,
or if it had something to do with you.

It's been so long I can't remember the reasons,
I had for breaking your heart that day.
The reasons I coldly ignored you,
when you begged me just to stay.

Butterfly

Sunshine, rainbows and butterfly wings,

Little girls are made up of the prettiest things. 

Eyes opened wide and mouths made to smile, 

Tiny laughing creatures, make all the pain worthwhile. 

As each day ends, some of the light fades away, 

But little girls, forever, you wish they would stay. 

Sunshine becomes secrets and smiles turn to dust. 

Innocence corrupted as love turns to lust.

Little girls must grow up,
I'm sorry but it's true. 

But you say she will always
be that little girl to you. 

Life wreaks havoc and even butterflies break. 

Counting stars is replaced by a tally of mistakes. 

Headaches and heartbreaks and goals not achieved. 

Yelling and crying from lies not believed. 

Falling short of expectations,
and losing the will to try. 

Let go of little girl perfection,
or your young woman may say goodbye. 

Things that make me happy.

This is a post about good things. Things that make me happy even when I am lost in the darkest parts of my mind. It's something I started working on a long time ago, but I never got around to finishing it until now. And now I need to finish it. I need to finish it because right now I am completely lost in the pitch dark nothingness that makes me who I am.
So, I need to remind myself that it's possible for me to be happy.

A little while back a friend of mine asked me to write a guest post for her blog of all the things that make me happy. Initially I thought this would be the easiest thing in the world. I mean, I know what makes me happy right?
Turns out no. The first list went something like this.

1. Books. New books, old books, second hand books, any books
2. Piercings and tattoos.
3. Tea
4. Music
5. My family and my pets
6. Late night adventures with my friends
7. Stepping on crunchy leaves
8. Rain. Both when I am walking in it and when I'm inside listening to it. 
9. Having pretty coloured nails and awesome eyeliner
10. Sleeping

The more I thought about it though, the more I realised that these things don't really make me all that happy.
The destructive hyper-energy I feel when I'm listening to really great heavy metal and rock music where the people scream so I don't have to isn't actually happiness.

The peace I feel walking on my own at night is actually much closer to despair the more I think about it. 

There are also things that make me smile, or things that I enjoy, but they aren't necessarily things that make me happy. 

After a lot more thought and close examination of my life, I think I came up with a pretty good list. Check it out here :]

Commitment Issues

As some of you know, a few months ago I started on my resolution for this year of writing a novel. 

It was going pretty well. I really liked my idea and I thought the plot and characters were quite interesting, but making it come to life was kind of like pulling teeth. Like pulling my own teeth. With no anaesthetic. And only rusty screwdrivers as tools. 

So yeah. It wasn't going very well and I was feeling pretty disheartened. 

I also noticed that I didn't really want to talk about it. Which was worrying because some of the sites I had seen on writing novels said that it can be really helpful for authors to talk about their ideas with trusted friends or to let people know that they are writing a novel to help keep them motivated. I know this isn't for everyone, but I didn't even want to admit to people that I was writing, let alone discuss the content.  

I guess in hindsight I should have seen that as a warning, but alas, I pushed on. 

I pushed on for a few months with no success at all.

Finally I got fed up with the whole thing, and interestingly that's when everything started to fall into place. 

I resolved to stop writing (hence the blog inactivity), or thinking about writing, or reading about writing, or trying to talk about writing. I just stopped. 

I focused on my normal everyday life and trying to kick the cough that had been bugging me for weeks. 

That's when it happened. That's when I had the idea that has made me happier about writing than I have been in months. 

It was an idea for a new story. It started out as a random thought and developed quite quickly into a plot and characters and conflicts. 

I have progressed further with this story in two days than I did with the last one in all the months I was working on it. 

It seems wrong to jump from one thing to another. I feel like my commitment issues are coming out to play and I know this might be a huge mistake, but here I am, powering through the random notebook that I hurriedly bought at Coles the other night. :)

Here's hoping this streak of inspiration lasts a little longer. :)

Moonlight

The moon is biggest,
when it's close to the ground.
Your love says the most,
when you make not a sound.

Your kisses are liquid,
when they're warm in my hand.
Your goodbye meant the most,
when it really was the end.

The rain is softest,
when it falls on your grave.
My heart beats broken,
with the life I couldn't save.

Your memory lives on,
as the blood in my veins.
We dance in the moonlight,
now your heart's free of pain.

Planning or Pantsing?

Planning or pantsing? That is the question.
As I mentioned in my last post, I am determined to write a novel this year and right now I am well and truly caught up in the 'How' debate.

I have had this long standing superstition that the ability to write something great is directly related to the medium used. Like if I find the perfect note book I will somehow be more able to write the perfect novel. It's ridiculous, I know, but that doesn't stop me walking into every stationary store that I see.
This long standing theory of mine has led me well and truly down the rabbit hole in all questions regarding how to write a novel. Do I want to write in ink on paper or type on the computer? Do I want to follow some kind of guideline or book and plan it all out (Planning) or do I just sit at my computer and start typing (Pantsing)? How will each of these methods assist and restrict my ability to write when and where I want to write? If I opt for paper, how will I keep it all organised? If I opt for computer will I need to buy some kind of software package to help me along the way?

There are so many different options and so many different opinions, but what works for someone else might not work for me. It's crazy.
Who knew there were so many different ways to write a book? I sure as hell didn't.

After a lot of research I think I am going to do a bit of planning first just because at the moment I feel totally overwhelmed by the whole process, and some structure might help.

Now I just have to decide how I'm going to do it.
There are tonnes of different software packages designed to help writers organise their thoughts and research and character profiles and things. I have used Scrivener before and really enjoyed it, but it was a little confusing and time consuming to figure out. Plus these things tie you to one computer and I like the idea of working anywhere. They also cost money, even if they do usually offer a free trial, and I have always kind of felt like I write better with just a pen and some paper.

So. Pen and paper it is then.
Now, originally I thought I would want to write in a really beautiful note book that I could carry around with me all the time. Now I'm not so sure because obviously I will need multiple note books and how will I keep it all organised? I'm going to be all over the place at the start, sometimes working on character profiles, sometimes on plot problems. It seems really organic and awesome to just work on it all as it comes, but I can't imagine that I will be super happy when I start actually writing and have to sort through it all to find certain bits and pieces of information.

So now I don't really know what to do.

*sigh*
I just wanna write a book...  :/

Suggestions from anyone who has been here before would be greatly appreciated. :[