This Shadow Life - Count the Seconds

Laying in bed I wonder, how I can possibly keep on breathing.

The burden of life suffocates me and I can't conceive how I can possibly go on, how time can keep on passing, how I can keep on existing. 

I feel constantly on the brink of exploding into a million tiny ribbons of confetti. The pressure is overwhelming. 

Things always look better in the morning, but the morning is an eternity from now. The seconds stretch out before me. A marathon that I must run. 

I'm not a runner. I can't run. I fell down to my knees long ago and have been crawling ever since. I have been fighting for every second. Ever breath. Every moment that you need me here. 

It would be so easy to give in. To succumb to the pressure on me and within me. To give up this marathon and sink into the earth. It's what I want at the core if my being. There is a monster inside me fighting to get out and ruin my life. The life I have fought so hard for. The life I have crawled a million marathons for. 

But I will never give up. You know why? 

I will never give up because even as I write this, time has passed. Seconds have come and gone.

Every second that I can live, that I can keep myself together, is a victory for me. 

Some people find the slither of sand through the hourglass and the tick of the clock to be a unpleasant and troubling sound. Something that reminds them of how little they have achieved and how little time they have left. 

To me every second is a comfort because no matter what I am doing and what my life is like, time will pass like it always does. This suffering can't last for ever.
No matter how bad things are now, every second I am closer to a time when things will be better.
Every second it a victory. 

The years, as they approach bring many agreeable things. 

As they recede they take many away. 

Thus passes the glory of the world. 

Nothing can last forever. Nothing. 

Make the most of every good moment because it won't last. 

Grit your teeth and take comfort in the passing seconds when things are bad. The bad will be gone one day too. 

I love you all. 

I'll keep counting the seconds. 

I hope you do too.