A Perfect Moment

Your heart is beating faster,
the music is playing slow,
But then her hand is in your hand,
and that's all you need to know.

Her smile says "I love you"'
and her heart welcomes you home.
With a kiss you make a promise,
to never leave her alone.

You promise health and sickness,
and love till the end of your years.
You promise support and trust,
through both happiness and tears.

Rose petals are falling,
in her hair and on your shoulder.
But the crowd is miles away,
the world is silent when you hold her.

Her lips are tight against yours,
you feel her smiling as you kiss,
Though you can't wait for the future,
you wish you could stay here, just like this.

Happy New Year!!

Hello beautiful internet friends. Welcome to 2016!

I have no idea how 2015 disappeared so quickly but I am so glad that it did. Last year was absolutely rubbish for a number of personal reasons. Some people I love passed away, pets got sick, people got sick and then they got sicker. My parents just about ran themselves into the ground trying to help everyone and I ran myself into the ground trying to help them.
But now it's over and I don't know about you, but I'm ready to start fresh with a brand new year.

I'm not one for making New Year's resolutions. They never seem to work out and failing makes me sad so I tend to go with the idea that if you don't try then you can't fail. To be honest, it's not the best way to go through life, and I'm getting kind of sick of getting to the end of each year and finding that I'm exactly where I was when the year started.

We have the power to change our lives any time we want. We can tell someone we love them, or go for a run, or travel the world. Despite the fact that we could do these things, we don't. I think it's largely because for most people, our goals exist only as a little list written in the smallest, darkest corners of our hearts. We tell no one of the amazing feats we dream of achieving, which makes us accountable to no one but ourselves. This means that if we fail, no one has to know that we failed. And if we succeed, we can emerge at the end of the year as a glorious butterfly and no one has to know that we worked our butts off every day to get there.

So this year I'm going to do things properly. I'm not going to rely on the magical power of New Year's resolutions to make all my dreams come true. I am going to give myself some goals to work towards each day. But I'm also going to share them on here with all of you so you can help keep me on track. :]

1. I will write every day. Doesn't matter if it's a few scribbled lines of poetry, posts on here, writing in my journal, or proper short stories and creative writing.  
2. I will exercise and/or ride my horses every day.
3. I will go out more/actually do things with people when they invite me.
4. When I haven't seen my friends in a while, I will call them and ask them how they are.
5. I will grow my own food and try to eat more healthy stuff. 

I know I'm going to fail sometimes (It's only the 4th of Jan and I have already slipped up a bit) but hopefully having this list will help me make the changes I want in my life.

I'm totally keen to help anyone on here with their resolutions or goals too. Most studies show that these things are more successful if you have a buddy. So lets be buddies.
We can chat about what we want to achieve and spill the beans when we slip up. :]

Destroying myself

Sometimes I can't help but wonder,
what I am doing with my life.
I look back on decisions I have made,
and can't even remember why.

Why I decided I'd stop loving you,
why I decided you needed to go.
Why I broke your heart the way I did,
when you didn't want to let go.

I wonder why I thought I'd be better,
facing the world on my own.
Than living deep in your loving heart,
where you had always made me at home.

I wonder if it was something you did,
or if I just got bored, like I do.
I wonder if it was all in my head,
or if it had something to do with you.

It's been so long I can't remember the reasons,
I had for breaking your heart that day.
The reasons I coldly ignored you,
when you begged me just to stay.

Butterfly

Sunshine, rainbows and butterfly wings,

Little girls are made up of the prettiest things. 

Eyes opened wide and mouths made to smile, 

Tiny laughing creatures, make all the pain worthwhile. 

As each day ends, some of the light fades away, 

But little girls, forever, you wish they would stay. 

Sunshine becomes secrets and smiles turn to dust. 

Innocence corrupted as love turns to lust.

Little girls must grow up,
I'm sorry but it's true. 

But you say she will always
be that little girl to you. 

Life wreaks havoc and even butterflies break. 

Counting stars is replaced by a tally of mistakes. 

Headaches and heartbreaks and goals not achieved. 

Yelling and crying from lies not believed. 

Falling short of expectations,
and losing the will to try. 

Let go of little girl perfection,
or your young woman may say goodbye. 

Things that make me happy.

This is a post about good things. Things that make me happy even when I am lost in the darkest parts of my mind. It's something I started working on a long time ago, but I never got around to finishing it until now. And now I need to finish it. I need to finish it because right now I am completely lost in the pitch dark nothingness that makes me who I am.
So, I need to remind myself that it's possible for me to be happy.

A little while back a friend of mine asked me to write a guest post for her blog of all the things that make me happy. Initially I thought this would be the easiest thing in the world. I mean, I know what makes me happy right?
Turns out no. The first list went something like this.

1. Books. New books, old books, second hand books, any books
2. Piercings and tattoos.
3. Tea
4. Music
5. My family and my pets
6. Late night adventures with my friends
7. Stepping on crunchy leaves
8. Rain. Both when I am walking in it and when I'm inside listening to it. 
9. Having pretty coloured nails and awesome eyeliner
10. Sleeping

The more I thought about it though, the more I realised that these things don't really make me all that happy.
The destructive hyper-energy I feel when I'm listening to really great heavy metal and rock music where the people scream so I don't have to isn't actually happiness.

The peace I feel walking on my own at night is actually much closer to despair the more I think about it. 

There are also things that make me smile, or things that I enjoy, but they aren't necessarily things that make me happy. 

After a lot more thought and close examination of my life, I think I came up with a pretty good list. Check it out here :]

Commitment Issues

As some of you know, a few months ago I started on my resolution for this year of writing a novel. 

It was going pretty well. I really liked my idea and I thought the plot and characters were quite interesting, but making it come to life was kind of like pulling teeth. Like pulling my own teeth. With no anaesthetic. And only rusty screwdrivers as tools. 

So yeah. It wasn't going very well and I was feeling pretty disheartened. 

I also noticed that I didn't really want to talk about it. Which was worrying because some of the sites I had seen on writing novels said that it can be really helpful for authors to talk about their ideas with trusted friends or to let people know that they are writing a novel to help keep them motivated. I know this isn't for everyone, but I didn't even want to admit to people that I was writing, let alone discuss the content.  

I guess in hindsight I should have seen that as a warning, but alas, I pushed on. 

I pushed on for a few months with no success at all.

Finally I got fed up with the whole thing, and interestingly that's when everything started to fall into place. 

I resolved to stop writing (hence the blog inactivity), or thinking about writing, or reading about writing, or trying to talk about writing. I just stopped. 

I focused on my normal everyday life and trying to kick the cough that had been bugging me for weeks. 

That's when it happened. That's when I had the idea that has made me happier about writing than I have been in months. 

It was an idea for a new story. It started out as a random thought and developed quite quickly into a plot and characters and conflicts. 

I have progressed further with this story in two days than I did with the last one in all the months I was working on it. 

It seems wrong to jump from one thing to another. I feel like my commitment issues are coming out to play and I know this might be a huge mistake, but here I am, powering through the random notebook that I hurriedly bought at Coles the other night. :)

Here's hoping this streak of inspiration lasts a little longer. :)