This Shadow Life - Taking a Day Off from Mental Health

I have this pretty sweet set up at work at the moment where instead of working five eight hour days, I work four ten hour days.

Now, when people find out about this they always seem to imagine me doing something glamorous on my day off. Like sipping coffee in a trendy cafe or out meeting boys at the park. Or at the very least they imagine me being productive by cleaning my house or catching up on laundry.

Honestly all that couldn't be further from the truth because for the most part I actually use my day off as a day off from mental health. My day off is like a free day to wallow in depression, go for a relaxing walk, binge on netflix, listen to sad/angry music, and basically just give in to my disease. It's a day when I don't have to be strong and together. I don't have to get dressed if I don't want to. I don't have to answer the phone if I don't want to. I don't have to do anything. 

That's not to say that I spend every day off in my room with the curtains drawn and heavy music playing while I stare blankly at the ceiling or cry my eyes out into my pillow. Some days I'm a normal person and I get stuff done, but the option is always there.

Some people probably think that having a day off from mental health is kind of counterproductive. Like all week you do your best and take a few steps forward, but then you have one day to give in and you take a million steps back. 

Frankly I don't think this is true. I think that having to be strong and working at your mental health all the time so that you can function like a normal person is exhausting. It's one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. and I have discovered in the past that when I try and keep it up all day every day, I'll last a while but eventually I will break and everything will come crashing down and there aren't enough sick days in the world to give me enough time to pull myself back together before another day at the office. 

Allowing myself some time off each week has given me a little release valve. A little bit of time when I can just let it all go and acknowledge my pain without having to feel like a failure for doing so. 

I can't be strong all the time... 

This Shadow Life: Distance

One of my nans is pretty unwell at the moment. She is stable, but no one really knows .how much time she has left. She is my mum's mum and she has been sick for a while now (as if that makes it easier).
It's been really hard for the whole family, but mostly it's been really hard on my mum. My mum is superwoman. She is one of those mums who would do anything for you and because she is a nurse, so much of my nans care has fallen into mum's lap.

I have never been close to my nan. It's probably because in many ways I am a lot like her. We are both stubborn, strict, maybe a little arrogant, and definitely not renowned for having a great deal of tact. And even though we have some great things in common, like that we both enjoy writing and painting, we have never been close. We have always managed to clash. That's not to say that we don't love each other, but there has just always been a distance. She was never a fun nan.
But now she is sick and probably doesn't have a whole lot of time left and the cold part of me that has experienced death so many times before just wants to pull back even further to keep myself safe, to start creating the distance between us so it won't hurt so much when she is gone. But the human part of me wants to get closer. In the typical folly of youth, I have never asked my nan about her life and she has lived a huge life. She has travelled and worked and raised four kids and held together an imperfect marriage.
Some part of me feels like it would be wrong for me to do this now. Why should I get to care about her now when I haven't cared for the last two and a half decades.
I feel like either way I go I'm taking the coward's way out. Like I shouldn't get to make myself feel better by getting to know her now.
I don't know what to do. :/

A Perfect Moment

Your heart is beating faster,
the music is playing slow,
But then her hand is in your hand,
and that's all you need to know.

Her smile says "I love you"'
and her heart welcomes you home.
With a kiss you make a promise,
to never leave her alone.

You promise health and sickness,
and love till the end of your years.
You promise support and trust,
through both happiness and tears.

Rose petals are falling,
in her hair and on your shoulder.
But the crowd is miles away,
the world is silent when you hold her.

Her lips are tight against yours,
you feel her smiling as you kiss,
Though you can't wait for the future,
you wish you could stay here, just like this.

Happy New Year!!

Hello beautiful internet friends. Welcome to 2016!

I have no idea how 2015 disappeared so quickly but I am so glad that it did. Last year was absolutely rubbish for a number of personal reasons. Some people I love passed away, pets got sick, people got sick and then they got sicker. My parents just about ran themselves into the ground trying to help everyone and I ran myself into the ground trying to help them.
But now it's over and I don't know about you, but I'm ready to start fresh with a brand new year.

I'm not one for making New Year's resolutions. They never seem to work out and failing makes me sad so I tend to go with the idea that if you don't try then you can't fail. To be honest, it's not the best way to go through life, and I'm getting kind of sick of getting to the end of each year and finding that I'm exactly where I was when the year started.

We have the power to change our lives any time we want. We can tell someone we love them, or go for a run, or travel the world. Despite the fact that we could do these things, we don't. I think it's largely because for most people, our goals exist only as a little list written in the smallest, darkest corners of our hearts. We tell no one of the amazing feats we dream of achieving, which makes us accountable to no one but ourselves. This means that if we fail, no one has to know that we failed. And if we succeed, we can emerge at the end of the year as a glorious butterfly and no one has to know that we worked our butts off every day to get there.

So this year I'm going to do things properly. I'm not going to rely on the magical power of New Year's resolutions to make all my dreams come true. I am going to give myself some goals to work towards each day. But I'm also going to share them on here with all of you so you can help keep me on track. :]

1. I will write every day. Doesn't matter if it's a few scribbled lines of poetry, posts on here, writing in my journal, or proper short stories and creative writing.  
2. I will exercise and/or ride my horses every day.
3. I will go out more/actually do things with people when they invite me.
4. When I haven't seen my friends in a while, I will call them and ask them how they are.
5. I will grow my own food and try to eat more healthy stuff. 

I know I'm going to fail sometimes (It's only the 4th of Jan and I have already slipped up a bit) but hopefully having this list will help me make the changes I want in my life.

I'm totally keen to help anyone on here with their resolutions or goals too. Most studies show that these things are more successful if you have a buddy. So lets be buddies.
We can chat about what we want to achieve and spill the beans when we slip up. :]

Destroying myself

Sometimes I can't help but wonder,
what I am doing with my life.
I look back on decisions I have made,
and can't even remember why.

Why I decided I'd stop loving you,
why I decided you needed to go.
Why I broke your heart the way I did,
when you didn't want to let go.

I wonder why I thought I'd be better,
facing the world on my own.
Than living deep in your loving heart,
where you had always made me at home.

I wonder if it was something you did,
or if I just got bored, like I do.
I wonder if it was all in my head,
or if it had something to do with you.

It's been so long I can't remember the reasons,
I had for breaking your heart that day.
The reasons I coldly ignored you,
when you begged me just to stay.

Butterfly

Sunshine, rainbows and butterfly wings,

Little girls are made up of the prettiest things. 

Eyes opened wide and mouths made to smile, 

Tiny laughing creatures, make all the pain worthwhile. 

As each day ends, some of the light fades away, 

But little girls, forever, you wish they would stay. 

Sunshine becomes secrets and smiles turn to dust. 

Innocence corrupted as love turns to lust.

Little girls must grow up,
I'm sorry but it's true. 

But you say she will always
be that little girl to you. 

Life wreaks havoc and even butterflies break. 

Counting stars is replaced by a tally of mistakes. 

Headaches and heartbreaks and goals not achieved. 

Yelling and crying from lies not believed. 

Falling short of expectations,
and losing the will to try. 

Let go of little girl perfection,
or your young woman may say goodbye.